Feeling frustrated....and sore.

On tuesday, in a fit of "I need to get my ass in gear", I threw on Jillian.Michales 30 Day.Shred, and proceeded to sweat and curse my way through level 1. I forgot just how hard that video can be when you're as out of shape as I've gotten.

Mostly, my issue was (as it's always been) with upper body strength, or lack there of. I can do squats for hours, but make me raise my arms above my head and three sets in I'm shaking.

I'm still sore from this two days later. This also resulted in me slipping my 100 push up and 200 sit up challenge days by one, so that instead of doing them yesterday, I will be doing them today.

It also resulted in me eating way more than I should have last night. I didn't go over my points for the week, but I certainly ate into them (pun intended.) Which doesn't leave me my usual breathing room for the weekend. Maybe I can do some extra exercise and gain myself a few exercise points to trade in when we head over my parents this weekend.

My goals this week were to fit in one run, stick to my points, go to yoga, and to do the challenges. So far, I'm not doing so hot on those goals. If I can fit a run in and finish out the two more days on the challenges by the end of the week, I'll feel better about this week.

Honestly, like I've said before,  I want to get back to the point where I'm working out more days than not. I want to get myself back to the dojo, and before I do that, I want to be able to keep up with the push up and sit ups I'm supposed to be doing (hence the challenges.)

In the back of my mind, since I first heard my brother was thinking of proposing, is the fact that I will be going to his wedding. And like it or not, I will be photographed in a dress, and I will have to see those photographs, and lots of people will see them. I do not want to look awful in those pictures. Even though they haven't set a date yet, I can feel that phantom deadline looming. It terrifies me, because I have been so unsuccessful at loosing the "baby weight" so far.  And further back, I was unsuccessful at loosing weight before my own wedding.

The last time I was able to loose a significant amount of weight was back in NYC, when I was unemployed, but had the disposable income to afford a gym membership, healthy food, and new gear. I had the free time to make exercise my job, doing at least a half hour of some exercise a day, but more often doing two half hour sessions, usually one yoga session and one gym session (which to be honest was half an hour of running, and then half an hour of stretching/strength, followed by 10 minute walks to the subway and then from the subway home.) Not to mention just living in NYC was a more active life style. There was so much more walking.  Now, if I'm not careful, I can go an entire day where the most exercise I get is walking up the stairs in my house.

One step forward, half a step back?

This weekend I got the brilliant idea to rent a carpet cleaner and go ahead and clean all (well most) of the carpets in our entirely carpeted house. Seriously. The only rooms without carpet are the kitchen and the bathroom.

I have never used a carpet cleaner before, and despite reading the directions multiple times, I somehow managed to miss that after I filled the attached bucket with soap and water, I needed to pour it into the machine. I did not realize I had missed a step until after I had done the living room over twice, and waiting for it to dry.

I had decided to clean the upholstery on a chair the cat had "christened", and finally noticed that there was no water coming out when I pulled the "spray trigger."

The upshot was that, with cleaning the rest of the carpets, I spent most of the day lugging the carpet cleaner around. If that doesn't count as a workout, i don't know why. Between carrying the waste water bucket (with 3.5 gallons of water) back and forth, and the actual cleaning, I was exhausted by the end of the day.

I also managed to put some serious stress on my right leg apparently. Random parts of it have been bothering me since saturday. It started with my knee, and my heel (which has been hurting for a while but that's another post entirely), and then yesterday, my calf.

I had been planning on attending a Monday Night Yoga class, but the pain and stiffness in my calf got so bad that I couldn't hold a downward dog for more than a few seconds, let alone suffer through an entire hour of yoga.

The day was not an entire fitness loss however, as I did day one of the 200 sit up challenge and day two of the 100 push up challenge.

I've got some recommendations on things to try to ease the ache in my calf, and I'm planning on sticking to the challenges, so hopefully by the end of the week I'll be in good shape to maybe add in a run this weekend.

Diet wise, i've been alright. I'm pretty good at sticking to my points during the week, which leaves me a lot of wiggle room on the weekends. Last weekend I went over on points, and I think I saw that reflected on the scale ( no loss this week.) I'm hoping that this weekend I'll stay closer to my points goal, and thereby see the numbers budge on the scale.

And I was doing so well....

I've been truckin along, following WW loosely and working out sporadically. I'd lost some weight, although not as much as I'd have liked. I was trying to do at least one workout three days a week or more. I had Yoga on Monday nights, and I was doing videos in the afternoons.

And then I missed a monday Yoga.

And then the instructor went on Vacation, so the class was canceled for a while.

And then we went on Vacation.

And now it's been three weeks since I worked out. And even with my loose following of the WW plan (I went off diet while on Vacation for a week, and have been struggling to get back on track.) I have stopped loosing weight entirely, and even put some back on.

I've been struggling this past week, wanting so badly to get myself back on track, but lacking the energy or motivation to actually exercise. I've been doing alright diet wise, but I know from experience that wont be enough. 

Luckily for me Monday night Yoga is starting back up this Monday. That'll help, it'll at least give me one day a week where I'm working out.

I'm planning on starting the 100 push up and 200 sit up challenges as well. I think it'll give me something that I can do quickly while my daughter naps or plays quietly, without needing to get ready to go do or changing into different clothes for.

I've got the Apps on my phone to track my progress with the challenges, and I'm going to try to do updates on my progress here on this blog. I'm really hoping, after so many stops and starts, that this will be something that helps get me moving in a positive direction again.

This past Sunday my brother finished an IronMan race. Seeing him cross that finish was not only a huge proud moment for me (that's my little brother!) but also it highlighted just how far I've fallen from the girl I was in high school who spent every day (except sundays) at the Dojo. The girl who did six or seven classes a week, one every day but sunday, and two on either fridays (when there was a sparring class after regular class) or saturdays (later when they added weapons classes after regular class.)

I know I don't have the time or energy to drop myself into that kind of schedule again. I know that my daughter take priority to me, and my schedule does not work with going to hour long classes that start at 6 every day anymore. But I want to get back towards that. To the point where going to the dojo, or doing a workout every day is the norm, not the exception. 

I'm feeling this odd mixture of frustration, depression, and determination. It's like I swing back and forth between "I need to do this" and "I can't do this". I've never been here before, feeling like I need to do something, but having so many other things that have to take priority. 

Hopefully, I'll feel better after a week of taking small steps. Hopefully, the return to Yoga and the small challenges will be enough to shake the darkness off for a while and propel me forward.

Walking the walk

I've been working on this whole fitness thing. I was running, although that's slacked off lately (I busted a wheel on the jogging stroller, which makes fitting in a run problematic.) I've been dieting (I've been following the WW plan for a while now).  And just yesterday I walked into a new Yoga class for the first time.

See, one of the major obstacles holding me back, both from going whole hog and attending WW meetings, and from actually going to workout classes (which I know motivate me more and get me working harder), is the single fact that I have severe social anxiety.

I am not just shy folks. This is not your normal, Oh I hope people like me, moment. This is a paralyzing fear of being in an awkward social situation. This is literally standing in my living room having an argument with myself about why I should (you will enjoy it) and should not (but I don't KNOW anyone!) go. This is something I desperately hope to avoid passing on to my daughter.

And let me tell you, the yoga class was perhaps my worst nightmare scenario. What is usually a room full of people (I was told 25-30) somehow had shrunk down to five that day. Four people who know each other really well, who arrived (and placed their mats) in pairs, and me. The instructor wanted to wait a bit to make sure no one was just running late, so there was a good 10 to 15 minutes of everyone just kinda sitting around on their mats talking to each other, while I desperately tried to act casual.

After the Yoga session, there was another socially mortifying period, where everyone kind of milled around drinking tea and talking. I grabbed my things and hi-tailed it out of there. But before I could escape I had to drop my money in the jar. Sessions are a (suggested) $5 donation. I had a 20. There wasn't enough change. Normal people would ask around for change. I froze, dropped the 20 in the jar and bolted.

But the class, oh the class itself was amazing. The perfect mix of relaxation and exercise. For those 60 minutes I actually let my anxiety go. I forgot there were other people in the room who might be judging me. The exercises felt challenging but not outside my comfort zone, and yet today I am incredibly sore. In that I-totally-worked-my-muscles way. And I'll go again, next monday, because It really was that good of a class, worth every second of my pre-class anxiety and post-class freak out.

I'm hoping the class size swells back into the 25-30 so I can safely hide myself in the pack. I'm hoping that with time I will get more comfortable with these strangers, and may even be able to stick around for the tea afterwards.

But for now I'm cherishing the soreness in my arms and the few brief minutes I was able to spend anxiety free.

Time to get this under control.

For the past year, since my daughters birth, I have halfheartedly attempted to get back in shape. I would buckle down, start something, and then....nothing. No follow through.
I still have not lost my pregnancy weight.

That's not entirely fair actually. For the past three months I was training to run a 5k, and I ran every other day, sometimes as far as 4.5 miles. My endurance and strength improved, but I wasn't loosing weight. 

I'm not entirely sure why that is, but I have an idea. While I don't eat the worst diet possible, I have not been, in any way, watching what I am eating.

The solution to this is for me to do something I never thought I would do. I've signed up for Weight Watchers Online. 

I honestly feel like this is a desperation point for me. Before, when I hit my highest ever weight and then lost it all, I did it on my own, with Food journaling, calorie tracking and exercise. I did not need meal plans or someone looking over my shoulder making sure I'm actually doing the work.   

I know that this situation is very different from the last time I had to loose a lot of weight. Before I was living in NYC, unemployed and living with a very supportive boyfriend who worked out with me (and who is now my husband.) So I had time, money and a lot of resources. I belonged to a gym in the city with a lot of very convenient branches. I was surrounded by healthy restaurants and friends who were also healthy eating conscious. 

Now, I am a mom, working a full-time job, and living (practically) pay check to pay check. My amazing husband also works full-time. We no longer belong to a gym, or have time to go work out every day after work like we used to. I have managed to make time to fit my running schedule in, but adding in anything else will be difficult. Once a week we eat at my parents, once a week at my in-laws. Sunday mornings we go out for brunch with a friend. It's so easy to let any one of these things completely derail any attempt at controlling my diet.

So I've done the one thing that has worked in the past. I've put down money on it. I've signed up to have someone else to be accountable to. I have a running trainer to make sure I run, now I have a diet trainer to make sure I eat right.

I need, so badly, to get this under control. 

Low Point.

I was doing so well. I've been following a running plan from a running coach. This is my second week on the plan and I'm over half way through the week. I get two rest days, Sundays and Wednesdays. Every other day I'm running. True, I haven't been eating the best, but I haven't been eating terribly either. I've been on shakey ground emotionally though, since the numbers on the scale aren't budging. 

And then today, a second person asked if I was pregnant again. 

I can't stand the way I look right now. I hate how much I weigh. I hate the "spare tire" around my waist. I hate how my clothes fit, or don't fit more often. I even hate the way my shadow looks on the wall next to the treadmill when I run.

I was holding it together, because I was at least moving in the right direction, right? Even if I wasn't seeing results yet, they were coming, right?

After this, I just want to quit. I want to curl up in a ball somewhere dark and hide forever. I just want to give up. 

Run, Run, Run

I did my first training run last night. 20 minutes total using a run/walk ratio of 2/1 (so 2 minutes running, 1 minute walking.) I had been feeling not so hot all day, and my knee had been rather stiff in the cold weather, but everything seemed to loosen up a bit once I got moving.

I had to do the run on the treadmill, since it is currently in the teens for highs around here. I am not a fan of the treadmill, and our treadmill in particular. I basically spend the entire run watching the clock. Really, no fun at all.

During the run, I noticed I have a tendency to scuff my feet. I noticed this because every time I did it, it made a horrible noise and messed with the speed of the belt on the treadmill. I miss running on the snazzy high tech-y treadmills at the gym I used to go to. My treadmill only does speed and incline, no pre-set courses, no way to enter your weight or height, no heart rate monitors. And since I was using an app on my phone to track my distance, no music or video to watch either. 

The other bummer to the run was that I figured out that my nike + sports band was kaput. It won't hold a charge. That was why I was using my phone to track my distance. Since I can't really justify springing for a fit.bit right now, the phone is going to have to be it. I'm going to have to figure out a way to mount my laptop somewhere that I can access it from the treadmill, or I'm going to go crazy during these runs. And I'm stuck on the treadmill for at least the week according to the weather forecast. I may just need to see if I can get myself to an indoor track or even get a month long membership somewhere.

I did buy a coupon thing for a yoga studio near my house, it's good for five classes. Once I get established with the running, I'm going to try to add in one yoga class a week, they have one on Saturday mornings that looks do able. I don't want to try to add it in until I'm comfortable with my training though, and that won't be for at least a month, I'm guessing.