The treadmill may be trying to break me.

Well I got my run in last night. I had to wait until my husband got home to entertain the so-not-napping toddler, but luckily he came home (relatively) early.

I managed to get in a solid half hour run on the treadmill, while watching a decently bad television show. Now, I'm almost positive that something is messed up on my treadmill. It says I ran for half an hour at 3.5, which really felt a whole lot faster than the 16 minute miles it's supposed to be. I'm sure I ran for a little longer than that (I watched the last bit of one episode and the majority of a second episode,) and I'm almost positive I was running faster than 16 minute miles. I was keeping the cadence I normally have running outside, when I do between 11 and 12 minute miles (yeah go ahead and laugh.)

I don't know. Maybe it is accurate, and my outdoor runs are not. I do know the treadmill runs always feel like a lot more work. I thought it was boredom, but even now with something to watch, I'm struggling. Maybe I need something else to watch? Maybe it was the time crunch I was feeling (my husband decided to wait for me to head to his parents for dinner)?

I'm going to try wearing my phone in my armband with the nike+ app running. It calculates my pace using the accelerometer, so maybe it'll give me an idea of how far off (or how accurate) the treadmill is.

Anyways, I got my run in, which was good, because I had a really hard time controlling my eating yesterday. There is a giant bowl of candy in my office right now. It is really hard to resist having "Just one fun size candy bar", or "Just one little bag of whoppers." There was also a big bowl of candy at the In-laws last night, which contained my kryptonite - Twizzlers. Twizzlers are one candy I just can't stop eating. It takes enormous feats of willpower for me to leave one un-comsumed.

I managed to keep myself to three mini pull-n-peel twizzlers. And one mini cookie. And dinner itself, which was pork loin, roasted carrots, soprasatta and light root beer. So only about moderately healthy. And over my points. Luckily I still have my "bonus" points for the week, so I just kinda cut into those. I know that Saturday will be an "over my points for the day" day, so I'm going to have to build up some extra points.

I'm going to loosely follow this training plan I found online to start to build my distance. I think maybe part of the reason my runs have been feeling so...blah...is that i'm not trying for a goal. I'm just kinda running until I want to stop, which is awful because I want to stop as soon as I start. So, I'm going to follow this training plan I found. Sort of.

I say loosely follow because the training plan is an 18 week plan to hit marathon distance. I'm not 100% sure I really want to train for a marathon, but I liked the schedule the plan followed. So I'm going to modify it, doing each week twice. That way if I decide that yeah I want to follow this plan all the way to the end and hit marathon distance, I'll just have made it a 36 week plan. Or less, depending on if I decide to drop the "do each week twice" bit at any point.

Last nights run was run one on the schedule. Tomorrow I run until I hit 3 miles. Treadmill be damned.

Yesterdays Pros and Cons

Yesterday was a pro/con kind of day.

Pro side: I made a delicious healthy dinner, I stuck to my WW points, I went to bed on time and so got an appropriate amount of sleep.

Con side: I had a lingering headache all day which constantly threatened to turn into a full blown migraine. This derailed any exercise plans completely. It's hard to even contemplate running or doing Yoga when it takes just about all my concentration to just stand up.

Pro side: The headache never really reached epic migraine proportions. I managed to keep it at the "this could be a migraine or just a really bad headache" level with the judicious use of advil, lots of water, and a couple of well timed bananas.

I made enough of the tasty healthy frittata last night that I get to have some of it for lunch today. I've set myself up relatively well for healthy eating this week. I'm hopeful that my short stint off the wagon is behind me, and I'm moving in a positive direction again. Having my juice in the morning really does help. It gets me off to a healthy start, and keeps me from delaying breakfast until around 10 and then eating some really calorie dense food because I suddenly realize I'm starving.

Since I was unable to work out yesterday, I'm going to try to squeeze in a run this afternoon between getting home from work and heading over to the in-laws for dinner. This may mean sending my husband and daughter ahead of me and meeting them there. It will most likely end up being a treadmill run, but hey, at least it'll be a run.

Ouch.

Last week, after starting out so well, turned into a complete disaster. I fell off the wagon, and hit hard. We were so busy last week (halloween, multiple car emergencies), that we never really had a chance to plan or prepare a lot of healthy meals. Between that, having a hard time finding time to exercise when I wasn't completely exhausted, and Halloween itself, I gained almost a pound and a half last week.

The first sign of trouble was that I was unable to buy juice last week, since the store we had gone to did not have the fresh squeezed juice available. I figured I would take a couple days off of the juice, then find some time mid week to go buy some. That didn't happen. So no juice all week.

Exercise wise, the week started off well. I got a run in on Monday night, but then nothing. Tuesdays and wednesdays are always tough for me to schedule exercise for, our schedules those two days are just all wacky. And then Halloween, and then too tired to move friday (yes I know not an excuse,) and boom, it's the weekend and I haven't moved a muscle.

The real problem was my eating. I totally fell off the tracking wagon, which usually helps keep me honest on what I'm eating. And when I know how much I'm eating, I eat less. Without that check in place, I have a feeling I over ate at Family Dinner on Tuesday, and I *know* I overate on Halloween, indulging in (more than) a few pieces of candy, and two HUGE slices of pizza. The rest of the week I was supplementing my diet with candy. I didn't really get a handle on it again until Sunday, when I started tracking again.

I'm hoping for a good week this week. I've got my Juice for breakfast again, and I spent some time last night making salads for lunches. I have a few concrete goals for the week. First: track accurately everything I eat and drink this week. Second: Get at least three days of 30 minutes or more of intense exercise. Third (less concrete): Drink more water.

Getting my butt kicked by Monday.

Mondays always kick my butt. Oh who am I kidding, almost every morning kicks my butt these days. I am terrible at scheduling my time. Lately, it seems like my schedule has spun out of control, and with the lack of time goes my time and energy to work out.

Every weekend now is packed full of things we want or need to do. Before having our daughter, it seemed relatively easy to find a day to have down time. Usually sundays were low key, just hanging around the house, relaxing. I think our lack of ability to get anything done during the work week has contributed to the weekends being so harried.

Even without special plans, our weekends blur past in a rush to get the grocery shopping, laundry, house cleaning done. We see my parents on saturday and have that standing brunch date with a friend on sundays.

This week there was a Halloween party for the kids on sunday (which was also a birthday party so necessitated a shopping trip to a toy store,) and the wasted time at the crossfit gym followed by more wasted time recovering from the anxiety attack. I still did manage to get the run in on Saturday, which helps.

I've been mostly successful finding time to exercise one day each weekend (usually saturday.) But by monday morning, I'm out of energy, and most definitely not ready to face the work week. I've been trying (and mostly failing) to attend a Monday night yoga group. It's at an awkward time for me (7pm), but I really do feel like when I go, it helps my overall anxiety level. Even if getting myself there can be an entire anxiety trip on it's own. (Nothing like showing up to a room full of skinny good looking 20 somethings, while wearing clothes that show off the fact that I am in no way a skinny 20 something.)

A lot of the time, I end up not going because things didn't get done over the weekend, and there is just too much to do on monday. I am too tired, too stressed, have to make dinner, husband has to stay late at work....blah blah blah.

And then it's a race to see if I can find any time all week to work out.

I usually find myself at Saturday again before i know it, having maybe worked out one other time during the week. I've contemplated waking up earlier to work out, but honestly I'm barely dragging myself out of bed right now to get to work on time. I've tried going to bed earlier, but then I lay awake in bed trying to sleep until my normal bed time hits. I am just not a morning person.

This week I have a plan, and we'll see how well it works. Tonight, Yoga. If Yoga becomes an impossibility tonight, I will force myself to run on the treadmill. No excuses, at least half an hour of exercise tonight.

Tuesday, if I went to  yoga, then I go for a run. If I ran tonight, then I will do a yoga video at home.

Wednesday is my off day, since I work wacky hours.

Thursday is Halloween, so I'm going to try to run, but it will most likely turn into an off day.

Friday, run. Saturday, attempt to drag my butt out of bed for a group training session at the scary crossfit gym where my friend is still trying to get me to do the biggest looser challenge. I'm going to try one more time I think, and then, if the anxiety is too much, give up on it.

This turned out to be kind of a scattered post, but that's how I'm feeling today. Scattered and honestly, really really tired.

Anxiety, a goal failure, and a redeeming run.

I tried to sign up for that Biggest Looser style competition today. It did not go well. I showed up at the place within the designated time frame to sign up (between 7 and 10 am.) I was not sure I was in the right place when I walked in. It was just a big room with some fitness equipment, and a bunch of very fit people doing cross fit in different small groups. There were a couple people sitting on a couch near the entrance. After standing around looking lost for a second I approached one of them and asked them if this was the right place. They had no idea, but said the trainer running it should be around somewhere, just go wait on the other couch. So I sat there. And I sat there. And I sat there. The people on the other couch got up and joined a few other people that had wandered in and started their own class. Eventually another class ended and the instructor saw me sitting there, and asked who I was waiting for. She called the trainer, no answer, texted her, no answer. Said she was sorry, and left.

I had now been sitting there for about half an hour, feeling completely insecure and stupid. I was the proverbial fat kid being stood up by the popular girls.

I left.

I had a complete meltdown by the time I got home. It had taken me so much to just get myself there, to put myself out there and walk in that door. Every second I sat there I felt a little bit worse, a little bit uglier, a little bit more worthless. Every time I saw someone looking at me, It was like I could read on their face what they were thinking. "What is she doing here? Look at her! So fat and ugly and stupid." I'm sure none of them were actually thinking that. I'm sure they're perfectly lovely people. But that's what my head said. That's what I felt.

When I got home, I couldn't explain to my husband why I was so upset, why I was curled up with my face in my hands sobbing. 

So we went for a run. We packed our daughter and the jogging stroller into the car, and my husband strapped his brand new, untested, knee brace on, and we drove to the canal path near our house. It was freezing and windy, and while we were setting the stroller up and strapping our daughter in I thought about calling it and heading home. But we went.

My husband is very tall and has very long legs. His natural walking pace is almost as fast as my normal running pace. He runs at a really fast clip. To slow him down, he pushes the Jogging stroller when we run together, but usually he still burns me out really quickly. This was his first run in a while, his first run with the knee brace, and only his second run since his knee injury. We wern't planning on going very far.

I kept up with him, feeling comfortable at the pace he was setting. I had some nasty heartburn for a while (I hadn't eaten yet.) But by the time we hit the one mile point, I was still feeling alright. My husband dropped back to a walk at that point, and I kept going for a while, about another half mile, before turning around and taking a walk break. When we hit the bridge which marks the one mile point again, we started jogging again for a while, about a quarter mile, before I was unable to maintain his pace. He said he was shot at that point anyways, so he started walking, and I slowed my jogging pace way down. I took inventory and realized I was just about out of gas, but decided I could make it to the 1/2 mile point. I sprinted the last bit of it, and then dropped back to a walk, and headed back to meet up with my husband. The walk back to the car was nice, although I had to ask him to slow down at one point, he really does walk fast.

The running part (including my walk breaks) was about 2.42 miles. Not a far run, but it was fast (for me) and doing a run in the cold, blustery weather made me feel much more hard core about it.

It helped my state of mind a lot to do that run, but I'm still having a hard time shaking off the anxiety from this morning.

Last night was a workout fail.

So my plan to run last night was a fail. After getting home, I changed into running gear, started defrosting the fish for dinner, started the dishwasher, and played with my daughter. She refused to go down for a nap, so no treadmill run. It was too cold and nasty out to drag her out in the Jogging stroller.

"That's fine." I thought, "I will run on the treadmill after she goes to bed."

Except I didn't. After dinner and play time and bed time, I was exhausted. So I vegged. I sat on the couch and watched TV for two hours and then went to bed.

Inexcusable, really. There was time there, at the end of the day. I just couldn't make myself get up and go run.

I did spend a good half hour dancing around in the living room carrying my toddler. It was definitely sweat inducing, but I wouldn't call it a workout.

I've been keepin' on with the juice in the morning and sticking to my WW points, so that's a plus this week. It will be interesting to see what my weigh in looks like this week.

Speaking of weigh ins, I was invited to join a "Biggest Looser" style "competition" recently. The first weigh in is this Saturday. I'm hoping that being involved in something like this will be the kick in the butt I need to make sure I get my workouts done.

Mentally this week has been rough. I feel completely frustrated with myself right now. I keep "re-comitting" to workouts, and missing them. Yes, I'm keeping (some) control over my diet, and I am exercising occasionally, but it's not where it should be. Life keeps getting in the way. I feel like it's impossible for me to save the time and energy I need to workout. The only time I seem to be able to carve out for workouts is at the very end of my day, when I'm out of energy, it's dark out, and all I want to do is just fall into bed. Any time I carve out for workouts leaves something else that I should have finished, undone. I feel guilty for giving up the time with my daughter, for not making dinner, for not being home to clean or do dishes or laundry, or even just to watch the kid while my husband does some of that.

I feel awesome after a run, but then, as soon as all the stuff I wasn't doing smacks me in the face when I get home, that feeling disappears, and I'm more stressed than ever. I need to find a better flow in my life.

I'm going to try to run tonight, try to make myself run. I think I really need it tonight.

First treadmill run of the season

Last night I had to make a command decision. The temps were dipping close to 40 degrees and the wind was blustery cold. I could not, in good conscience, take my daughter out on a run with me in that weather. Oh, the weather was fine if it was just me going out for a run, but not for strapping my tiny toddler into her jogging stroller and pushing her along in front of me.

My run seemed doomed.

And then, miracle of miracles, my daughter decided she wanted a nap. An unusual (of late) afternoon nap. So I plunked her down in her crib, and set about unburying the treadmill.

Over the course of the summer, the back room where the treadmill sits has continued to collect....stuff. Basically everything we don't know where to put, ends up back there. It's a problem. There were stacks of boxes surrounding the treadmill.

In a fit of inspiration while moving said boxes (which were thankfully mostly empty,) I created a tower next to the treadmill where I could, oh so carefully, perch my laptop. I had, while complaining bitterly about the boredom of treadmill runs to a colleague, had it suggested to me that I try to watch television or movies while I ran.

"Yes!" I thought, as I positioned the laptop where I could see it, "I have Netflix, I have a computer, I have cheesy television shows my husband refuses to watch, this will work!"

And it did....sort of. About halfway through my run, while struggling to hear the puny audio from my laptop, I realized I could turn on the closed captioning. That was much better. It did not, however, distract me completely from the run.

25 minutes into the run (I forgot to check how far the treadmill thought I had gone), running at a steady 3.8, I was out of juice. I just, didn't have it in me past that point. I don't know what it was ( I do have a few theories ,) but that 25 minutes on the treadmill felt so much longer and harder than the last outdoor run I did, which I suspect was way longer.

I'm happy because I actually managed to fit in a run, but I'm upset about the quality and length of that run. I'm really proud of myself for not giving in and giving up on the run, for finding a way to get some exercise in, however I'm upset with myself for not pushing through it, and finishing a full half hour. I'm hoping to get out for another run on thursday, but it may end up being a treadmill day because of scheduling. Saturday I will most definitely be outside running.

The juicing is going so so. I was doing great this week, until today. The juice I had for breakfast today was vile. It tasted so bad it was making me ill to drink it. I choked down as much as I could (not much) and tossed the rest. What a waste. I'm going to have to make a late night trip on my way home from work tonight to pick up more juice somewhere, or risk not having any in the morning again.

I have been sticking to my WW points through this week so far. I made the effort to only have a small helpings at dinner last night, even though I did have a small brownie and a small scoop of ice cream, I managed to stay right around my points limit.

I have a hard goal deadline now. My brother and his fiance set a date for their wedding, and I really want to have lost at least a significant portion of the weight by then. Luckily for me, they chose August 30th, so I have 10 entire months (and some change) to hit my goal.

If I keep on the trajectory I'm on now (loosing about a 1/2 lb a week) I'll have lost 20 lbs by then, which is only about half way to my goal weight. So I have to kick it up a bit, try to up the weight loss to a whole pound each week. Yikes.