I've been working on this whole fitness thing. I was running, although that's slacked off lately (I busted a wheel on the jogging stroller, which makes fitting in a run problematic.) I've been dieting (I've been following the WW plan for a while now). And just yesterday I walked into a new Yoga class for the first time.
See, one of the major obstacles holding me back, both from going whole hog and attending WW meetings, and from actually going to workout classes (which I know motivate me more and get me working harder), is the single fact that I have severe social anxiety.
I am not just shy folks. This is not your normal, Oh I hope people like me, moment. This is a paralyzing fear of being in an awkward social situation. This is literally standing in my living room having an argument with myself about why I should (you will enjoy it) and should not (but I don't KNOW anyone!) go. This is something I desperately hope to avoid passing on to my daughter.
And let me tell you, the yoga class was perhaps my worst nightmare scenario. What is usually a room full of people (I was told 25-30) somehow had shrunk down to five that day. Four people who know each other really well, who arrived (and placed their mats) in pairs, and me. The instructor wanted to wait a bit to make sure no one was just running late, so there was a good 10 to 15 minutes of everyone just kinda sitting around on their mats talking to each other, while I desperately tried to act casual.
After the Yoga session, there was another socially mortifying period, where everyone kind of milled around drinking tea and talking. I grabbed my things and hi-tailed it out of there. But before I could escape I had to drop my money in the jar. Sessions are a (suggested) $5 donation. I had a 20. There wasn't enough change. Normal people would ask around for change. I froze, dropped the 20 in the jar and bolted.
But the class, oh the class itself was amazing. The perfect mix of relaxation and exercise. For those 60 minutes I actually let my anxiety go. I forgot there were other people in the room who might be judging me. The exercises felt challenging but not outside my comfort zone, and yet today I am incredibly sore. In that I-totally-worked-my-muscles way. And I'll go again, next monday, because It really was that good of a class, worth every second of my pre-class anxiety and post-class freak out.
I'm hoping the class size swells back into the 25-30 so I can safely hide myself in the pack. I'm hoping that with time I will get more comfortable with these strangers, and may even be able to stick around for the tea afterwards.
But for now I'm cherishing the soreness in my arms and the few brief minutes I was able to spend anxiety free.
Weight Tracker
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Time to get this under control.
For the past year, since my daughters birth, I have halfheartedly attempted to get back in shape. I would buckle down, start something, and then....nothing. No follow through.
I still have not lost my pregnancy weight.
That's not entirely fair actually. For the past three months I was training to run a 5k, and I ran every other day, sometimes as far as 4.5 miles. My endurance and strength improved, but I wasn't loosing weight.
I'm not entirely sure why that is, but I have an idea. While I don't eat the worst diet possible, I have not been, in any way, watching what I am eating.
The solution to this is for me to do something I never thought I would do. I've signed up for Weight Watchers Online.
I honestly feel like this is a desperation point for me. Before, when I hit my highest ever weight and then lost it all, I did it on my own, with Food journaling, calorie tracking and exercise. I did not need meal plans or someone looking over my shoulder making sure I'm actually doing the work.
I know that this situation is very different from the last time I had to loose a lot of weight. Before I was living in NYC, unemployed and living with a very supportive boyfriend who worked out with me (and who is now my husband.) So I had time, money and a lot of resources. I belonged to a gym in the city with a lot of very convenient branches. I was surrounded by healthy restaurants and friends who were also healthy eating conscious.
Now, I am a mom, working a full-time job, and living (practically) pay check to pay check. My amazing husband also works full-time. We no longer belong to a gym, or have time to go work out every day after work like we used to. I have managed to make time to fit my running schedule in, but adding in anything else will be difficult. Once a week we eat at my parents, once a week at my in-laws. Sunday mornings we go out for brunch with a friend. It's so easy to let any one of these things completely derail any attempt at controlling my diet.
So I've done the one thing that has worked in the past. I've put down money on it. I've signed up to have someone else to be accountable to. I have a running trainer to make sure I run, now I have a diet trainer to make sure I eat right.
I need, so badly, to get this under control.
I still have not lost my pregnancy weight.
That's not entirely fair actually. For the past three months I was training to run a 5k, and I ran every other day, sometimes as far as 4.5 miles. My endurance and strength improved, but I wasn't loosing weight.
I'm not entirely sure why that is, but I have an idea. While I don't eat the worst diet possible, I have not been, in any way, watching what I am eating.
The solution to this is for me to do something I never thought I would do. I've signed up for Weight Watchers Online.
I honestly feel like this is a desperation point for me. Before, when I hit my highest ever weight and then lost it all, I did it on my own, with Food journaling, calorie tracking and exercise. I did not need meal plans or someone looking over my shoulder making sure I'm actually doing the work.
I know that this situation is very different from the last time I had to loose a lot of weight. Before I was living in NYC, unemployed and living with a very supportive boyfriend who worked out with me (and who is now my husband.) So I had time, money and a lot of resources. I belonged to a gym in the city with a lot of very convenient branches. I was surrounded by healthy restaurants and friends who were also healthy eating conscious.
Now, I am a mom, working a full-time job, and living (practically) pay check to pay check. My amazing husband also works full-time. We no longer belong to a gym, or have time to go work out every day after work like we used to. I have managed to make time to fit my running schedule in, but adding in anything else will be difficult. Once a week we eat at my parents, once a week at my in-laws. Sunday mornings we go out for brunch with a friend. It's so easy to let any one of these things completely derail any attempt at controlling my diet.
So I've done the one thing that has worked in the past. I've put down money on it. I've signed up to have someone else to be accountable to. I have a running trainer to make sure I run, now I have a diet trainer to make sure I eat right.
I need, so badly, to get this under control.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Low Point.
I was doing so well. I've been following a running plan from a running coach. This is my second week on the plan and I'm over half way through the week. I get two rest days, Sundays and Wednesdays. Every other day I'm running. True, I haven't been eating the best, but I haven't been eating terribly either. I've been on shakey ground emotionally though, since the numbers on the scale aren't budging.
And then today, a second person asked if I was pregnant again.
I can't stand the way I look right now. I hate how much I weigh. I hate the "spare tire" around my waist. I hate how my clothes fit, or don't fit more often. I even hate the way my shadow looks on the wall next to the treadmill when I run.
I was holding it together, because I was at least moving in the right direction, right? Even if I wasn't seeing results yet, they were coming, right?
After this, I just want to quit. I want to curl up in a ball somewhere dark and hide forever. I just want to give up.
And then today, a second person asked if I was pregnant again.
I can't stand the way I look right now. I hate how much I weigh. I hate the "spare tire" around my waist. I hate how my clothes fit, or don't fit more often. I even hate the way my shadow looks on the wall next to the treadmill when I run.
I was holding it together, because I was at least moving in the right direction, right? Even if I wasn't seeing results yet, they were coming, right?
After this, I just want to quit. I want to curl up in a ball somewhere dark and hide forever. I just want to give up.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Run, Run, Run
I did my first training run last night. 20 minutes total using a run/walk ratio of 2/1 (so 2 minutes running, 1 minute walking.) I had been feeling not so hot all day, and my knee had been rather stiff in the cold weather, but everything seemed to loosen up a bit once I got moving.
I had to do the run on the treadmill, since it is currently in the teens for highs around here. I am not a fan of the treadmill, and our treadmill in particular. I basically spend the entire run watching the clock. Really, no fun at all.
During the run, I noticed I have a tendency to scuff my feet. I noticed this because every time I did it, it made a horrible noise and messed with the speed of the belt on the treadmill. I miss running on the snazzy high tech-y treadmills at the gym I used to go to. My treadmill only does speed and incline, no pre-set courses, no way to enter your weight or height, no heart rate monitors. And since I was using an app on my phone to track my distance, no music or video to watch either.
The other bummer to the run was that I figured out that my nike + sports band was kaput. It won't hold a charge. That was why I was using my phone to track my distance. Since I can't really justify springing for a fit.bit right now, the phone is going to have to be it. I'm going to have to figure out a way to mount my laptop somewhere that I can access it from the treadmill, or I'm going to go crazy during these runs. And I'm stuck on the treadmill for at least the week according to the weather forecast. I may just need to see if I can get myself to an indoor track or even get a month long membership somewhere.
I did buy a coupon thing for a yoga studio near my house, it's good for five classes. Once I get established with the running, I'm going to try to add in one yoga class a week, they have one on Saturday mornings that looks do able. I don't want to try to add it in until I'm comfortable with my training though, and that won't be for at least a month, I'm guessing.
I had to do the run on the treadmill, since it is currently in the teens for highs around here. I am not a fan of the treadmill, and our treadmill in particular. I basically spend the entire run watching the clock. Really, no fun at all.
During the run, I noticed I have a tendency to scuff my feet. I noticed this because every time I did it, it made a horrible noise and messed with the speed of the belt on the treadmill. I miss running on the snazzy high tech-y treadmills at the gym I used to go to. My treadmill only does speed and incline, no pre-set courses, no way to enter your weight or height, no heart rate monitors. And since I was using an app on my phone to track my distance, no music or video to watch either.
The other bummer to the run was that I figured out that my nike + sports band was kaput. It won't hold a charge. That was why I was using my phone to track my distance. Since I can't really justify springing for a fit.bit right now, the phone is going to have to be it. I'm going to have to figure out a way to mount my laptop somewhere that I can access it from the treadmill, or I'm going to go crazy during these runs. And I'm stuck on the treadmill for at least the week according to the weather forecast. I may just need to see if I can get myself to an indoor track or even get a month long membership somewhere.
I did buy a coupon thing for a yoga studio near my house, it's good for five classes. Once I get established with the running, I'm going to try to add in one yoga class a week, they have one on Saturday mornings that looks do able. I don't want to try to add it in until I'm comfortable with my training though, and that won't be for at least a month, I'm guessing.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Baby steps and huge commitments.
I've been running. Short runs interspersed with a lot of walking, but it's still running. I'm running because I made two major commitments.
The first was to sign up for the Lilac 5k, which I ran back in 2010. I told everyone I was doing it, and had a lot of people say they would run with me. So I have to run it. And I don't want to embarrass myself running it. The last time I ran it, I ran a PR of 33:26. I would like to hit that again, or if possible improve on it.
The second commitment I made followed logically behind that. I have a friend who just got himself certified as a Running Coach. He agreed to coach me (virutally, since he's out in cali) in exchange for a short blurb for his eventual website. So I've committed to a training program.
I am terrified that I'll fall off the exercise wagon again. Last night I won, I was so tired and I felt so lazy when I got home from work, but I made myself get dressed in my running gear, put a leash on the dog, and walk out the door. I convinced myself to at least do a good long walk. Then at one point, I convinced myself to run for a bit. Then I convinced myself to keep running. When I started to get to the "I can't run anymore" point, I walked, and then, convinced myself to run again. I ended up running (with walk breaks in between) for a mile. It's not that far, but it's a start. A baby step forward.
I'm thinking of instituting a couple of motivational tools that have worked for me in the past. One was a "gold star" system. I got a star for every workout i did on a calendar that was posted where I would see it every day. I actually had a whole system for which color star I got for what kind of workout, but I think, since I'm going to have a training plan this time around, just getting a star for every workout would work.
The second tool was one I heard about recently, a workout "tip jar", where every time I complete a workout, I put a dollar in the jar. Every month I can use the money in the jar to treat myself to something, new shoes, a massage, whatever. What i can get will be determined by how many workouts I completed. I'm thinking of adding a "bonus tip" for every full week I complete.
I'm still tracking my calories, mostly just to keep myself within range of where I should be. I forgot to do a weigh in this week, so we'll see this Saturday if anything I'm doing is making a difference there.
I guess I'm still right at the starting line, Laying foundation work, even though it feels like I've been starting forever. I guess starting forever is better than not starting at all.
The first was to sign up for the Lilac 5k, which I ran back in 2010. I told everyone I was doing it, and had a lot of people say they would run with me. So I have to run it. And I don't want to embarrass myself running it. The last time I ran it, I ran a PR of 33:26. I would like to hit that again, or if possible improve on it.
The second commitment I made followed logically behind that. I have a friend who just got himself certified as a Running Coach. He agreed to coach me (virutally, since he's out in cali) in exchange for a short blurb for his eventual website. So I've committed to a training program.
I am terrified that I'll fall off the exercise wagon again. Last night I won, I was so tired and I felt so lazy when I got home from work, but I made myself get dressed in my running gear, put a leash on the dog, and walk out the door. I convinced myself to at least do a good long walk. Then at one point, I convinced myself to run for a bit. Then I convinced myself to keep running. When I started to get to the "I can't run anymore" point, I walked, and then, convinced myself to run again. I ended up running (with walk breaks in between) for a mile. It's not that far, but it's a start. A baby step forward.
I'm thinking of instituting a couple of motivational tools that have worked for me in the past. One was a "gold star" system. I got a star for every workout i did on a calendar that was posted where I would see it every day. I actually had a whole system for which color star I got for what kind of workout, but I think, since I'm going to have a training plan this time around, just getting a star for every workout would work.
The second tool was one I heard about recently, a workout "tip jar", where every time I complete a workout, I put a dollar in the jar. Every month I can use the money in the jar to treat myself to something, new shoes, a massage, whatever. What i can get will be determined by how many workouts I completed. I'm thinking of adding a "bonus tip" for every full week I complete.
I'm still tracking my calories, mostly just to keep myself within range of where I should be. I forgot to do a weigh in this week, so we'll see this Saturday if anything I'm doing is making a difference there.
I guess I'm still right at the starting line, Laying foundation work, even though it feels like I've been starting forever. I guess starting forever is better than not starting at all.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Picking myself up and starting over.
Yeah, I know. Another "starting over" post. Since my last post, I went back to work, and everything changed. Until I went back to work, I was doing alright keeping myself on track, loosing weight. I wasn't blogging it, but I was doing it. A lot of walking, a lot of carrying baby girl. I wasn't really watching what I ate, but the weight was coming off slowly. I got all smug and self confident about it.
Then I went back to work.
I stopped having time to walk with baby girl. I started being too tired to carry her everywhere and started using the stroller. I was eating for speed and convince, not eating terribly, but not eating well, and most definitely not paying attention to how much I was eating. I knew the weight had stopped coming off. It depressed me every time I stopped to think about it.
What I didn't know was that the weight was getting put back on.
As part of a study I am participating in, which follows women through their pregnancy and postpartum period, a nurse had to take my weight recently, at the 6 month postpartum mark. The nurse asked me if I wanted to take off my shoes, and I joked that I'd leave them on and if I didn't like the number I'd blame the shoes. The nurse laughed, I laughed, thinking that the number would be bad, but couldn't be that bad. I was breastfeeding after all.
183.5
I couldn't believe the number, and apparently neither could the nurse, since she had me step of the scale and back on so she could check the number.
183.5, heavier than I have ever weighed before while not pregnant. I made up my mind right there that I had to do something. But it was Christmas time, and between the stress of the holiday and the joy of the holiday, I pushed it off.
January 1st is traditionally a new start for everyone. A new year, and a new chance to be whoever you want to be, to change whatever you do not like about yourself. I would start then, with everyone else.
Except, my life dosn't run like everyone else's schedule. The first was a Tuesday, which meant I worked Monday and Wednesday. Tuesday was spent recovering from a horrible migraine, and then trying desperately to get the house back into some sort of usable shape after the disaster area it had become over the holidays. Wednesday was my late night at work, so my morning was spent getting baby girl ready and over to my parents before heading into work, and I got home at 8 in time for dinner and bed.
I did what I could in those first couple of days. I downloaded an app for my phone to track my calories consumed. I made a plan that I will try to stick to. I made arangements so the plan will be easier to stick to.
Thursday, January 3rd I started. When I got home from work, with time before the greatest husband ever got home with baby girl, I put the leash on the dog and took him out for a walk. I only did a half hour walk, but it was a start.
Friday January 4th, I took the time to do a 10 min.ute trainer video (it really works out to like 15 or 20 minute trainer with the warm up and cool down, but who's counting.) I was feeling all smug and self confident again. Here I was doing what I said I was going to do.
When I weighed myself I was stunned to see 177.2. I double checked the reading, even moving the scale into another room and weighing in again. Now, I realized, some of that might be due to the differing calibrations between my home scale and the doctors scale. Sure, fine, I told myself, don't get cocky, use this as a starting point. It's still a hugely high number. 177.2 is still heavier than you ever have been before while not carrying another human being in your stomach.
And then came the weekend. Saturday dinner at my parents with family friends and lots of food, Sunday brunch out with friends. Not bothering to track what I'm eating and no exercise beyond walking around the mall on Saturday.
I have no idea how far I backslid. I did not weigh myself on Monday, I just put my head down and tried to do better. Monday I walked the dog for an hour. I tracked everything I ate, even when we went to the in-laws for dinner.
Today I will track what I am eating. Tonight when I go home, I will do a video. I will try not to look back at where I've fallen short, or look ahead to when I reach my goal. I will focus on today, on this step.
This step, finally moving forward again.
Then I went back to work.
I stopped having time to walk with baby girl. I started being too tired to carry her everywhere and started using the stroller. I was eating for speed and convince, not eating terribly, but not eating well, and most definitely not paying attention to how much I was eating. I knew the weight had stopped coming off. It depressed me every time I stopped to think about it.
What I didn't know was that the weight was getting put back on.
As part of a study I am participating in, which follows women through their pregnancy and postpartum period, a nurse had to take my weight recently, at the 6 month postpartum mark. The nurse asked me if I wanted to take off my shoes, and I joked that I'd leave them on and if I didn't like the number I'd blame the shoes. The nurse laughed, I laughed, thinking that the number would be bad, but couldn't be that bad. I was breastfeeding after all.
183.5
I couldn't believe the number, and apparently neither could the nurse, since she had me step of the scale and back on so she could check the number.
183.5, heavier than I have ever weighed before while not pregnant. I made up my mind right there that I had to do something. But it was Christmas time, and between the stress of the holiday and the joy of the holiday, I pushed it off.
January 1st is traditionally a new start for everyone. A new year, and a new chance to be whoever you want to be, to change whatever you do not like about yourself. I would start then, with everyone else.
Except, my life dosn't run like everyone else's schedule. The first was a Tuesday, which meant I worked Monday and Wednesday. Tuesday was spent recovering from a horrible migraine, and then trying desperately to get the house back into some sort of usable shape after the disaster area it had become over the holidays. Wednesday was my late night at work, so my morning was spent getting baby girl ready and over to my parents before heading into work, and I got home at 8 in time for dinner and bed.
I did what I could in those first couple of days. I downloaded an app for my phone to track my calories consumed. I made a plan that I will try to stick to. I made arangements so the plan will be easier to stick to.
Thursday, January 3rd I started. When I got home from work, with time before the greatest husband ever got home with baby girl, I put the leash on the dog and took him out for a walk. I only did a half hour walk, but it was a start.
Friday January 4th, I took the time to do a 10 min.ute trainer video (it really works out to like 15 or 20 minute trainer with the warm up and cool down, but who's counting.) I was feeling all smug and self confident again. Here I was doing what I said I was going to do.
When I weighed myself I was stunned to see 177.2. I double checked the reading, even moving the scale into another room and weighing in again. Now, I realized, some of that might be due to the differing calibrations between my home scale and the doctors scale. Sure, fine, I told myself, don't get cocky, use this as a starting point. It's still a hugely high number. 177.2 is still heavier than you ever have been before while not carrying another human being in your stomach.
And then came the weekend. Saturday dinner at my parents with family friends and lots of food, Sunday brunch out with friends. Not bothering to track what I'm eating and no exercise beyond walking around the mall on Saturday.
I have no idea how far I backslid. I did not weigh myself on Monday, I just put my head down and tried to do better. Monday I walked the dog for an hour. I tracked everything I ate, even when we went to the in-laws for dinner.
Today I will track what I am eating. Tonight when I go home, I will do a video. I will try not to look back at where I've fallen short, or look ahead to when I reach my goal. I will focus on today, on this step.
This step, finally moving forward again.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Starting the Journey anew
It's now been two weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. Just before I gave birth I was tipping the scales at 192 (yeah I know!) My pre-pregnancy weight was around 145, which was relatively close to my happy weight of 135, and the result of a few years of weight loss struggles. Before I started my first weight loss journey, I topped out at 180 (without a baby in my belly!), and I had promised myself I would never let myself get that out of shape again.
I tried to stay active during my pregnancy, but preterm contractions, massively swollen feet, Gestational Diabetes, and a generally overwhelming tiredness kept me from being as active as I would have liked.
I am determined to loose every pound I gained carrying my baby girl, and hopefully a few extra. She deserves a fit mommy, one that can keep up with her. Like I did with my last weight loss journey, I'm going to blog this to keep myself honest and motivated. It's going to be slow going here at the beginning, mostly walks and swimming when I can manage it, but hopefully soon I'll be able to work my way up to full workouts.
Today I weigh: 171.2 lbs.
Today I: Walked down to Muddy.Waters to get coffee while carrying Baby Girl
I tried to stay active during my pregnancy, but preterm contractions, massively swollen feet, Gestational Diabetes, and a generally overwhelming tiredness kept me from being as active as I would have liked.
I am determined to loose every pound I gained carrying my baby girl, and hopefully a few extra. She deserves a fit mommy, one that can keep up with her. Like I did with my last weight loss journey, I'm going to blog this to keep myself honest and motivated. It's going to be slow going here at the beginning, mostly walks and swimming when I can manage it, but hopefully soon I'll be able to work my way up to full workouts.
Today I weigh: 171.2 lbs.
Today I: Walked down to Muddy.Waters to get coffee while carrying Baby Girl
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