Trying to get used to this

It still doesn't quite feel real. Other than feeling a little bloated, super tired, super thirsty, and needing to pee every 5 minutes, I feel the same. It's hard to believe that there's a little life growing inside of me.

Now the worry starts though. Every time I pee I check for blood. I made my first appointment with the doctor and I'm paranoid that I'm going to loose the baby before the appointment. I'm worried about how we'll handle our overly energetic dog as this goes on. DH has already said if he doesn't calm down we can't keep him.

We aren't telling anyone until after the 12 week mark. We're both paranoid about a miscarriage. DH doesn't want me to buy any baby stuff yet, and he keeps worrying that I'm getting to attached to it this early, when so much can still go wrong.


We're also not sure what to do about Maternity leave and whether it will make sense for me to work after the baby is born. I guess we still have a long time to figure that out, but it's high on my worry list. Along with our current apartment not really being quite big enough for the two of us, our 85 lb puppy, our cat, and a baby. My BIL (who is also our landlord) has talked about finishing off the attic above our apartment to give us some more room, but i don't know how practical that would be.

This weekend we're going to visit DH's grandmother, my BIL and SIL are coming as are my Mother and Father. I'm wondering if we'll get through the weekend without someone slipping up and saying something.

BFP!

The title says it all really! I couldn't wait, so I tested this morning. I still can't believe it.

I was so sure that it was going to be a BFN that I just kind of set the test down and started brushing my teeth. When I looked back at it, it was a BFP.

After a moment of shock, I ran in and pounced on my still mostly asleep DH. He just kinda stared at me grinning. He said he wasn't really awake enough to really process it. When he woke up a little more we just kinda hugged a lot and grinned. Told eachother a bunch of times we loved each other.

DH kinda looked at me at one point and said "Wow. This means I really need a new job."

I'm trying to stay calm and quiet right now. I'm super excited inside, but I know how many things can go wrong. I know it might not "stick", like what happened to my SIL.

I'm still trying to figure out a neat way to tell my SIL. When she got her BFP she handed me the stick in the car. I need to think of something , although I'm struggling not to just text her about it right now.

I'm still worried that it was somehow a false positive. So I'm still waiting for AF to show up and prove the test wrong. But I'm trying to convince myself that yes, this really is real. I really did get a BFP.

TWW Number Two.

So, I'm about Four days into this TWW. I have 10 days to go. AF is due on October 8th. DH's birthday is October 11th. I'm hoping to give him a BFP for his birthday. I may have jinxed us last month when I bought a couple things to give him when we get a BFP. They're boxed up and hidden in a closet so he can't find them. 

I don't know how I feel about our chances this cycle. I'm a lot less stressed about it than I was last month. I just don't feel hyped up about it right now. I think part of me is really uneasy about the possibility of getting a BFP before my SIL does. Another part of me worries about infertility, and is almost positive one of us is infertile. There's no logic to that particular panic, it's just there.

Not to say that I'm not hoping. I'm keeping myself from going out and buying pee sticks because I know if I buy them, I will want to use them. Even if it's way to early to tell. Because I want to see a BFP. I think I want it bad enough that I've decided not to think about it, because it becomes this all consuming yearning if I focus on it too much.

I'm still avoiding going to the Dojo, mostly because I really don't want to try to explain that I can't do certain things because we're TTC. Not because I got a BFP, just because were trying, and there's a chance I might be pregnant. It feels so wishy washy and excuse-y to me. So instead I'm playing hookie until I know. Or rather, I'm just avoiding those days that I know we do sparing, which unfortunately is a couple of the days I actually can fit going into my schedule. Lucky for me my schedule is shifting slightly starting next week, so I'll be able to return to the Dojo on a semi regular basis.

The baby knitting is going along well, although I really haven't been putting a ton of effort into it. The first Burp Cloth is almost done, and the Ribbed baby jacket has reached the "Shape the Sleeves" stage. I still need to decide on a button for the Hoodie, and ties for the kimono jacket.  It's a lot of finishing work, which I hate. I want to get a baby hat on the needles soon, which means I need to get the Ribbed Jacket off the needles asap.

So yeah, I haven't been posting a lot because I'm afraid of getting my mind too wrapped up in this all again. I had to work really hard not to get upset about the BFN last month, I don't want to put too much on getting a BFP this month. I'm trying really hard to have a "if it happens it happens" outlook. It's not working real well. 

4 Days Till AF

I had a really tough time not testing last night, and not testing this morning. I've had a little more spotting, which has me super nervous about getting a BFN. The worst part is that I know if I test now, I could get a false negative, so it will be a waste of a test. But my god the waiting is killing me.

My SIL wants to go for food tonight, and I am inclined to say yes to the invitation, even though I had planned on going to the dojo tonight. Why? Because I want to avoid the dojo until I know. So I can have a valid (to me) reason why I'm not pushing myself as hard, or letting people punch me in the stomach.

The urge to test tonight, just to see, is almost overwhelming. This really sucks.

TWW Day two

Maybe I am a still a little anxious about all of this. I nearly had a breakdown last night when it looked like we weren't going to have time to BD. I kept thinking, "What if I ovulated late?! We need to do this tonight to make sure!" Luckily for my sanity we did end up having time, even if it did mean we went to bed super late and didn't get enough sleep.

A little bit of sadness showed up in the mail in the form of a package of things I had bought for my SIL. Some Pregnancy Pops and some tummy rub. I've packed them away for later, hopefully not too much later.

My SIL solved my anxiety about telling her if I get a BFP. She asked me this afternoon if I'd still tell her, because she want's to know asap. I promised her she'd be the third person to know.

I feel weird in this waiting period. I might be pregnant right this very minute, and not know it. I have to wait, and try not to speculate, all the while acting as if I am. Without letting anyone suspect I might be, or that I'm trying. I don't know how I'm going to last 12 more days (I have a short cycle, I'm supposed to get AF on 9/12). I may end up testing early, and not saying anything to anyone if it's negative (cause it could be a false negative.) Idk. 12 days is a long time. 9 days is still a long time.

Day one of my first TWW

Yesterday was the day that my calender says is when I ovulate. That means I am officially in my first TWW.

Somehow I've grown less anxious about it. I think my SIL's miscarriage has me feeling cautious and a little less gung-ho about the whole thing. I have new worries, new anxieties. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in this 100%, but now I worry about the timing. What happens if we get a BFP this cycle? Will she be happy for me? Hurt? Everyone (well the select few we tell) will be super cautious with their reactions, i know.  Especially since, well if it happened to her, it's likely to happen to me, right?

It still blows my mind that right now, at this very minute, I might be pregnant. I just don't know it yet. And I have to wait two whole weeks to find out. Bummer!

Ovulation Day!

According to my calendar, today is when I am supposed to ovulate. We've done everything we can to make sure I get a BFP this cycle. I'm about to enter my first TWW, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive it.

My SIL miscarried this weekend. She was about four weeks along. I'm kinda upset about it. Both because I'm disappointed, because I was excited about her baby, and also because I'm worried how she will take it if I get pregnant now.

I'm super excited/nervous about the fact that right now, at this very moment, I may in fact be pregnant. Waiting until the 12th to test is going to be hard.

Exciting Weekend, and My Impatience

This weekend my SIL, who has been trying to get pregnant for almost a year, found out she's pregnant. She had told me she was late on Thursday, and we had talked about it again on Friday during the day. She had asked me not to say anything to anyone, because she didn't want to say anything until she was sure. I promised, but made her promise to tell me as soon as she tested, either way. When her and her husband picked us up to go out on Friday, she handed me the stick. When she handed it to me and I read the positive I got so excited I jumped out of my seat in the car and hugged her, which of course scared the crap out of her husband who was driving. She's being cautious and not telling anyone until after the first trimester, to "make sure it sticks" as she put it. I think she's really worried about it. It's killing me not being able to celebrate openly, but until she makes the announcement I'm being good and just secretly plotting, er, planning her baby shower.

This weekend I also went and took care of some dental work I've been putting off. I really hate getting dental work done. The whole time they were drilling away I kept thinking, this is for the future baby. Just keep your mind on that. I've also started flossing regularly, because my dentist told me I was starting to develop localized gingivitis between my teeth.

I'm having trouble being patient with the process. I know that I don't ovulate till the 29th, which means that my fertile period doesn't start until the 24th, but I'm impatient. I want to try now. I want to see that positive now. I know, intellectually, that this may take a while. It may take a long time, but emotionally I'm impatient. I don't know if I'll feel better or worse once we hit the fertile period. I don't know how badly I'll take the Two Week Wait. I suspect it will be very very hard on me. I'm worried, because of how long it took my SIL to conceive, I'm worried because my DH is worried, I'm worried because I know myself and I know how impatient I am. And I'm trying not to worry because it's pointless and counterproductive.

I'm still having trouble dropping below my current caffeine intake. I'm good some days, and others not-so-much. This morning is a not-so-much morning. I've got my large 18 oz cup of coffee sitting on my desk. Tomorrow I'm going to try going with the medium to go cup. I'm hoping to step myself down to getting the small cup every morning, to leave myself wiggle room for the rest of the day. I really do think keeping myself to two 8 oz cups of coffee a day will be one of my biggest struggles with this whole process.

Trying to focus on enjoying the journey, instead of just yearning for the destination.