Week 16 and everything up to now

I havn't been updating, and I don't know why. I guess mostly because things are the same. There have been little milestones, but the big one is still coming up. Our next scan will be the one where we find out if we're having a boy or a girl.

I caved around two weeks ago and bought some maternity clothes. I just couldn't fit into my work pants anymore. So far, not a fan of these. I constantly feel like my pants are riding really low, because the actual material stops and the elastic begins way lower than I'm used to the waste line of my pants sitting. I'm also still really self-conscious about my bump. It's silly, but I keep trying to hide it with baggy shirts and empire waste lines, because to me I don't look pregnant, I just look fat.

I'm also having a lot of guilt about what I eat/how much I eat. I'm eating reasonably healthy, but I'm constantly reminded that I'm not eating healthy enough. And I'm not getting enough exercise. I just started getting back into it this week. I went to the gym and did a half hour on the elliptical on monday, and today I did about half of a pre-natal yoga video.

This pregnancy also seems kind of unreal somehow. As if I'm not really pregnant, I'm just getting really chubby. I'm paranoid that the next time I see my OB there won't be a heart beat. Idk why. I'm just really afraid of something going wrong. I missed a lot of my prenatal vitamins while I was dealing with the morning sickness, and I'm worried that messed up my baby.

For Christmas we got a lot of stuff for the baby. We got a MamaRoo, which has to be one of the coolest things ever, a Baby Bjorn carrier, a belly cast kit, a little Chicago Bulls track suit with a matching onesie (my brother lives in Chicago), Two Buffalo Bills Bottles (we're Bills fans, Yeah I know feel my pain), and a Lullabelly, which is this speaker band thing for my belly, so I can play music for the baby. I need to put together a play list to play for the baby, since it can hear now according to most information.  We tested it out the other day, the first song we played for the baby was David Byrne's "Strange Overtones". I swear I felt the baby moving along to the music, but I guess it could have been rhythmic gas.

I had a 3 hour Glucose Tolerence Test a while back, because they were worried that my initial blood tests were high, which turned out to be nothing, everything came back normal. So hopefully the 1 hour test will be nothing compared to that.

I have another appointment with my OB on the 11th, and I'm super anxious to hear that heartbeat again, and know everything's OK.

Halfway through week 8

I know it's been a long time since i posted. I've been having a rather rough go of it lately. Up until the last couple of weeks I was exausted all the time. The hardest part was not acting tired at my parents. Then a little over a week ago, the nausea hit, big time. I've just been doing my best to figure out what I can eat, and what I can do to keep myself from needing to loose my lunch at work or at my parents or in laws.

Last night it was a close call. For some reason meat, in all its forms, is strictly off my diet list for right now. My Father in law made some amazing herb crusted chicken and pork for dinner last night. As soon as I smelled it, it was all i could do not to loose it at the table.

I'm feeling a bit better today, celebrating the fact that I didn't throw up this morning, for the first time in days.

I had a mini panic attack the other night when it dawned on me that one of the things I've been eating for breakfast was 90% nuts. Not that I didn't know that, it just didn't register. I totally freaked out that I'm going to give my kid a nut allergy.

I have my first appointment with my OB next Wednesday, and I'm super excited for it. I really just want to know everything is going along well in there.

We've decided to break the news to the fam at thanksgiving. I'm going to buy my parents cheesy "I love my grandma/grandpa" photo frames and either put the sonogram pic in there or if we don't have one  yet, put a piece of paper with the due date on it in there. Since this will be their first grand kid, I'm sure it won't take long for it to sink in. I still haven't figured out how to tell my brother, I guess it'll depend on if he's going to be in town for thanksgiving or not.

I can't wait to have this all out in the open so I can stop trying to hide it when something someone puts on my plate makes me want to hurl!

Trying to get used to this

It still doesn't quite feel real. Other than feeling a little bloated, super tired, super thirsty, and needing to pee every 5 minutes, I feel the same. It's hard to believe that there's a little life growing inside of me.

Now the worry starts though. Every time I pee I check for blood. I made my first appointment with the doctor and I'm paranoid that I'm going to loose the baby before the appointment. I'm worried about how we'll handle our overly energetic dog as this goes on. DH has already said if he doesn't calm down we can't keep him.

We aren't telling anyone until after the 12 week mark. We're both paranoid about a miscarriage. DH doesn't want me to buy any baby stuff yet, and he keeps worrying that I'm getting to attached to it this early, when so much can still go wrong.


We're also not sure what to do about Maternity leave and whether it will make sense for me to work after the baby is born. I guess we still have a long time to figure that out, but it's high on my worry list. Along with our current apartment not really being quite big enough for the two of us, our 85 lb puppy, our cat, and a baby. My BIL (who is also our landlord) has talked about finishing off the attic above our apartment to give us some more room, but i don't know how practical that would be.

This weekend we're going to visit DH's grandmother, my BIL and SIL are coming as are my Mother and Father. I'm wondering if we'll get through the weekend without someone slipping up and saying something.

Almost done with the second TWW

I've been very good this time. I kept myself distracted and did not buy a pee stick. I'm trying really hard to wait and see if AF shows up or not before I test. I only have to hold out until Saturday, but oh man does that feel like a long time.

I'm trying to be good, I've started getting half caf instead of regular coffee, and I'm down to one 12 oz cup of that a day. I take my PNV every day, and I'm avoiding all the foods I'm supposed to avoid (although i really miss fresh motz.)

The Dojo is still the biggest hang up. I was able to go on Monday this week, because Monday Night Dinner with the Inlaws was changed to Tuesday Night Dinner with the Inlaws, although it got shuffled again (which is a whole 'nother post, and I'll get to go tomorrow night if I'm up to it, and again Saturday morning. I'll know before next Tuesday if I'm OK for sparring, or if a BFP has rendered me infinitely fragile. I'm thinking I'm going to get a BFN, but I'm trying to stay positive about it (heh, get it?)

The knitting slowed down a bunch, mostly because I just haven't had time to sit still with the needles. That and I got to a less mindless part of the pattern for the Baby jacket. I need to buy some finishing supplies at some point (ribbons and things) but I'm really hesitant to. It feels like Jinxing myself.

TWW Number Two.

So, I'm about Four days into this TWW. I have 10 days to go. AF is due on October 8th. DH's birthday is October 11th. I'm hoping to give him a BFP for his birthday. I may have jinxed us last month when I bought a couple things to give him when we get a BFP. They're boxed up and hidden in a closet so he can't find them. 

I don't know how I feel about our chances this cycle. I'm a lot less stressed about it than I was last month. I just don't feel hyped up about it right now. I think part of me is really uneasy about the possibility of getting a BFP before my SIL does. Another part of me worries about infertility, and is almost positive one of us is infertile. There's no logic to that particular panic, it's just there.

Not to say that I'm not hoping. I'm keeping myself from going out and buying pee sticks because I know if I buy them, I will want to use them. Even if it's way to early to tell. Because I want to see a BFP. I think I want it bad enough that I've decided not to think about it, because it becomes this all consuming yearning if I focus on it too much.

I'm still avoiding going to the Dojo, mostly because I really don't want to try to explain that I can't do certain things because we're TTC. Not because I got a BFP, just because were trying, and there's a chance I might be pregnant. It feels so wishy washy and excuse-y to me. So instead I'm playing hookie until I know. Or rather, I'm just avoiding those days that I know we do sparing, which unfortunately is a couple of the days I actually can fit going into my schedule. Lucky for me my schedule is shifting slightly starting next week, so I'll be able to return to the Dojo on a semi regular basis.

The baby knitting is going along well, although I really haven't been putting a ton of effort into it. The first Burp Cloth is almost done, and the Ribbed baby jacket has reached the "Shape the Sleeves" stage. I still need to decide on a button for the Hoodie, and ties for the kimono jacket.  It's a lot of finishing work, which I hate. I want to get a baby hat on the needles soon, which means I need to get the Ribbed Jacket off the needles asap.

So yeah, I haven't been posting a lot because I'm afraid of getting my mind too wrapped up in this all again. I had to work really hard not to get upset about the BFN last month, I don't want to put too much on getting a BFP this month. I'm trying really hard to have a "if it happens it happens" outlook. It's not working real well. 

Day one of Cycle Two

Today is the first day after AF. The first day (they way I count at least) of Cycle two. I'm thinking about taking a slightly different approach this cycle. I plan on BD tonight, and every other day until my fertile period, then we go back to every day, then back to every other day after that. I want to give this the best chance possible.

I'm trying not to get to anxious, or put too much hope in this cycle. I'm trying to remember that this might take a while.

I don't know why I'm so impatient, other than the fact that I'm just an impatient person. It's like, I made up my mind to do this, now I want it, and I want it now. And I worry, I have a little voice in my head that keeps pointing out how many things could be wrong, things that would prevent us from getting a BFP. After years and years of trying NOT to get pregnant, you would think it would be easy once you stop the preventative measures.

And with every blog I read, I start to worry a bit more. There are so many people out there that have been trying for so long. Trying with every thing medical technology can throw at the problem. How long would I try before I gave up? I'm only one failed cycle in and I'm already frustrated and worried.

I really just need to calm down.

AF Day 3

I'm on Day 3 of AF, which is typically my last day. I'm anxious to get this over with and get back to TTC. My calendar says my fertile period starts on the 19th, so next Monday, and that I ovulate on the 24th, the following Saturday. Does that sound right? Regardless, I'm anxious to get back to it, although I'm using this week to get in some dojo time, and push myself a bit harder in the exercise department.

I've been really down the past few days, just kinda in a funk. I'm going to say it's the fault of hormones.

I've been really good sticking to my "one small cup of coffee a day" caffeine limit, even with the fact that if I wanted to, I could drink more right now. I did have a half glass of wine at dinner last night though.

Don't have a lot to say today, just, trying not to let myself get too wrapped up in this.

4 Days Till AF

I had a really tough time not testing last night, and not testing this morning. I've had a little more spotting, which has me super nervous about getting a BFN. The worst part is that I know if I test now, I could get a false negative, so it will be a waste of a test. But my god the waiting is killing me.

My SIL wants to go for food tonight, and I am inclined to say yes to the invitation, even though I had planned on going to the dojo tonight. Why? Because I want to avoid the dojo until I know. So I can have a valid (to me) reason why I'm not pushing myself as hard, or letting people punch me in the stomach.

The urge to test tonight, just to see, is almost overwhelming. This really sucks.

5 Days Till AF

So, I'm well into my first TWW. I know I haven't been posting, but mostly that's because if I think about it too much I got a little bit crazy. According the my iphone app, which has been close to dead on accurate in the past, I have 5 days left before AF. Waiting is killing me. More than anything I want to test early, especially now that I'm within the supposed range of some of the HPT's. I've been pep talking myself into waiting until Sunday, which would be one day BAF.

I picked up an HPT today while I was at the store. I picked it up today for a couple reasons, one being impatience, but the other, main, one was that it was the only chance I was gonna get to pick one up without DH there. I really didn't want to make him be there when I bought that.

I'm starting to think I'm gonna get a BFN this time though. A couple days ago I had some cramping, and today and yesterday I've had some light spotting. I know you can get cramping and spotting with implantation, but it's so far after O, and so close to AF, I think it's just regular PMS.

But on the other (more hopeful) side of things, there was yesterday. I went running yesterday and my stomach felt strangely full, bloated almost, but it didn't feel like a normal bloated. (yeah yeah TMI I know.) Sometimes I think I feel pregnant, but I know that's just me wanting it bad enough to see every little symptom as a positive sign.

I'm trying to prepare myself for that BFN. Trying not to hope too much for a BFP. I just really want to know either way though. The wait is agonizing.

I've cut my caffeine intake down to  one 8 oz cup of coffee a day. That last step was hard, and I'm still a bit grouchy and tired from it. It's hard maintaining the preparations right now, waiting, thinking i'm going to get a BFN.

TWW Day two

Maybe I am a still a little anxious about all of this. I nearly had a breakdown last night when it looked like we weren't going to have time to BD. I kept thinking, "What if I ovulated late?! We need to do this tonight to make sure!" Luckily for my sanity we did end up having time, even if it did mean we went to bed super late and didn't get enough sleep.

A little bit of sadness showed up in the mail in the form of a package of things I had bought for my SIL. Some Pregnancy Pops and some tummy rub. I've packed them away for later, hopefully not too much later.

My SIL solved my anxiety about telling her if I get a BFP. She asked me this afternoon if I'd still tell her, because she want's to know asap. I promised her she'd be the third person to know.

I feel weird in this waiting period. I might be pregnant right this very minute, and not know it. I have to wait, and try not to speculate, all the while acting as if I am. Without letting anyone suspect I might be, or that I'm trying. I don't know how I'm going to last 12 more days (I have a short cycle, I'm supposed to get AF on 9/12). I may end up testing early, and not saying anything to anyone if it's negative (cause it could be a false negative.) Idk. 12 days is a long time. 9 days is still a long time.

Ovulation Day!

According to my calendar, today is when I am supposed to ovulate. We've done everything we can to make sure I get a BFP this cycle. I'm about to enter my first TWW, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive it.

My SIL miscarried this weekend. She was about four weeks along. I'm kinda upset about it. Both because I'm disappointed, because I was excited about her baby, and also because I'm worried how she will take it if I get pregnant now.

I'm super excited/nervous about the fact that right now, at this very moment, I may in fact be pregnant. Waiting until the 12th to test is going to be hard.

Phantom Symptoms

Looking at my calendar there is a little green dot on the day yesterday, which means I'm fertile, and a little red heart, which means we were intimate. Somehow having those both on the same day for the first time feels profound.

Today I'm tired from lack of sleep and lack of caffeine. My stomach is off, which is making it hard to drink the cup of coffee sitting on my desk. Everything I'm eating and drinking, with the exception of the cheddar bunnies I just ate, is bothering my stomach.

I'm trying not to read too much into the symptoms, the fatigue, the light nausea, the restlessness. I know there's little to no chance of me being pregnant right at this moment, since I'm not supposed to ovulate till the 29th. Even if my cycle was a few days short this month, there's no way it would have happened yet.

Here's hoping that I'm wrong though ^_^

Getting to the serious point.

Last night was the start of the serious TTC. My fertile week starts today, so we started last night. I'm anxious about it. I want this to work and yet the actual start of the serious part has me a little scared. What if I'm doing this for the wrong reasons?

I do martial arts, The Dojo is my happy place. Last night I had a moment of panicked realization that I'm going to have to tell them that I can't do a lot of things, and make sure I don't push myself as hard as I usually do. I came to this realization during a drill which involved protecting only our heads, focusing on keeping our guards up and allowing body shots in. I took a couple of strong hits to the midsection, and realized that after that class, I can't let that happen anymore. I also push myself way too hard, getting to that queasy point. That's something I can't do anymore. It just somehow feels awkward saying "I can't do this because I'm TTC." As if this is somehow less legitimate a reason than actually being pregnant.

I know there's no way for me to be pregnant yet, but yesterday I was intensely moody for no apparent reason. I think it may be the lack of caffeine. As carefully as I've stepped myself down, I still feel it. I'm down within the safe tolerance levels of no more than two 8 oz cups of coffee a day. I want to step down a little further, to be only having one 8 oz cup each day, but it's so hard. Each time I step down I feel sluggish and irritable for a few days. Yesterday was particularly rough, if that was indeed the cause.

I guess all I can do is ride out the next few weeks and try not to drive DH crazy!

Exciting Weekend, and My Impatience

This weekend my SIL, who has been trying to get pregnant for almost a year, found out she's pregnant. She had told me she was late on Thursday, and we had talked about it again on Friday during the day. She had asked me not to say anything to anyone, because she didn't want to say anything until she was sure. I promised, but made her promise to tell me as soon as she tested, either way. When her and her husband picked us up to go out on Friday, she handed me the stick. When she handed it to me and I read the positive I got so excited I jumped out of my seat in the car and hugged her, which of course scared the crap out of her husband who was driving. She's being cautious and not telling anyone until after the first trimester, to "make sure it sticks" as she put it. I think she's really worried about it. It's killing me not being able to celebrate openly, but until she makes the announcement I'm being good and just secretly plotting, er, planning her baby shower.

This weekend I also went and took care of some dental work I've been putting off. I really hate getting dental work done. The whole time they were drilling away I kept thinking, this is for the future baby. Just keep your mind on that. I've also started flossing regularly, because my dentist told me I was starting to develop localized gingivitis between my teeth.

I'm having trouble being patient with the process. I know that I don't ovulate till the 29th, which means that my fertile period doesn't start until the 24th, but I'm impatient. I want to try now. I want to see that positive now. I know, intellectually, that this may take a while. It may take a long time, but emotionally I'm impatient. I don't know if I'll feel better or worse once we hit the fertile period. I don't know how badly I'll take the Two Week Wait. I suspect it will be very very hard on me. I'm worried, because of how long it took my SIL to conceive, I'm worried because my DH is worried, I'm worried because I know myself and I know how impatient I am. And I'm trying not to worry because it's pointless and counterproductive.

I'm still having trouble dropping below my current caffeine intake. I'm good some days, and others not-so-much. This morning is a not-so-much morning. I've got my large 18 oz cup of coffee sitting on my desk. Tomorrow I'm going to try going with the medium to go cup. I'm hoping to step myself down to getting the small cup every morning, to leave myself wiggle room for the rest of the day. I really do think keeping myself to two 8 oz cups of coffee a day will be one of my biggest struggles with this whole process.

Trying to focus on enjoying the journey, instead of just yearning for the destination.