Almost done with the second TWW

I've been very good this time. I kept myself distracted and did not buy a pee stick. I'm trying really hard to wait and see if AF shows up or not before I test. I only have to hold out until Saturday, but oh man does that feel like a long time.

I'm trying to be good, I've started getting half caf instead of regular coffee, and I'm down to one 12 oz cup of that a day. I take my PNV every day, and I'm avoiding all the foods I'm supposed to avoid (although i really miss fresh motz.)

The Dojo is still the biggest hang up. I was able to go on Monday this week, because Monday Night Dinner with the Inlaws was changed to Tuesday Night Dinner with the Inlaws, although it got shuffled again (which is a whole 'nother post, and I'll get to go tomorrow night if I'm up to it, and again Saturday morning. I'll know before next Tuesday if I'm OK for sparring, or if a BFP has rendered me infinitely fragile. I'm thinking I'm going to get a BFN, but I'm trying to stay positive about it (heh, get it?)

The knitting slowed down a bunch, mostly because I just haven't had time to sit still with the needles. That and I got to a less mindless part of the pattern for the Baby jacket. I need to buy some finishing supplies at some point (ribbons and things) but I'm really hesitant to. It feels like Jinxing myself.

TWW Number Two.

So, I'm about Four days into this TWW. I have 10 days to go. AF is due on October 8th. DH's birthday is October 11th. I'm hoping to give him a BFP for his birthday. I may have jinxed us last month when I bought a couple things to give him when we get a BFP. They're boxed up and hidden in a closet so he can't find them. 

I don't know how I feel about our chances this cycle. I'm a lot less stressed about it than I was last month. I just don't feel hyped up about it right now. I think part of me is really uneasy about the possibility of getting a BFP before my SIL does. Another part of me worries about infertility, and is almost positive one of us is infertile. There's no logic to that particular panic, it's just there.

Not to say that I'm not hoping. I'm keeping myself from going out and buying pee sticks because I know if I buy them, I will want to use them. Even if it's way to early to tell. Because I want to see a BFP. I think I want it bad enough that I've decided not to think about it, because it becomes this all consuming yearning if I focus on it too much.

I'm still avoiding going to the Dojo, mostly because I really don't want to try to explain that I can't do certain things because we're TTC. Not because I got a BFP, just because were trying, and there's a chance I might be pregnant. It feels so wishy washy and excuse-y to me. So instead I'm playing hookie until I know. Or rather, I'm just avoiding those days that I know we do sparing, which unfortunately is a couple of the days I actually can fit going into my schedule. Lucky for me my schedule is shifting slightly starting next week, so I'll be able to return to the Dojo on a semi regular basis.

The baby knitting is going along well, although I really haven't been putting a ton of effort into it. The first Burp Cloth is almost done, and the Ribbed baby jacket has reached the "Shape the Sleeves" stage. I still need to decide on a button for the Hoodie, and ties for the kimono jacket.  It's a lot of finishing work, which I hate. I want to get a baby hat on the needles soon, which means I need to get the Ribbed Jacket off the needles asap.

So yeah, I haven't been posting a lot because I'm afraid of getting my mind too wrapped up in this all again. I had to work really hard not to get upset about the BFN last month, I don't want to put too much on getting a BFP this month. I'm trying really hard to have a "if it happens it happens" outlook. It's not working real well. 

4 Days Till AF

I had a really tough time not testing last night, and not testing this morning. I've had a little more spotting, which has me super nervous about getting a BFN. The worst part is that I know if I test now, I could get a false negative, so it will be a waste of a test. But my god the waiting is killing me.

My SIL wants to go for food tonight, and I am inclined to say yes to the invitation, even though I had planned on going to the dojo tonight. Why? Because I want to avoid the dojo until I know. So I can have a valid (to me) reason why I'm not pushing myself as hard, or letting people punch me in the stomach.

The urge to test tonight, just to see, is almost overwhelming. This really sucks.

5 Days Till AF

So, I'm well into my first TWW. I know I haven't been posting, but mostly that's because if I think about it too much I got a little bit crazy. According the my iphone app, which has been close to dead on accurate in the past, I have 5 days left before AF. Waiting is killing me. More than anything I want to test early, especially now that I'm within the supposed range of some of the HPT's. I've been pep talking myself into waiting until Sunday, which would be one day BAF.

I picked up an HPT today while I was at the store. I picked it up today for a couple reasons, one being impatience, but the other, main, one was that it was the only chance I was gonna get to pick one up without DH there. I really didn't want to make him be there when I bought that.

I'm starting to think I'm gonna get a BFN this time though. A couple days ago I had some cramping, and today and yesterday I've had some light spotting. I know you can get cramping and spotting with implantation, but it's so far after O, and so close to AF, I think it's just regular PMS.

But on the other (more hopeful) side of things, there was yesterday. I went running yesterday and my stomach felt strangely full, bloated almost, but it didn't feel like a normal bloated. (yeah yeah TMI I know.) Sometimes I think I feel pregnant, but I know that's just me wanting it bad enough to see every little symptom as a positive sign.

I'm trying to prepare myself for that BFN. Trying not to hope too much for a BFP. I just really want to know either way though. The wait is agonizing.

I've cut my caffeine intake down to  one 8 oz cup of coffee a day. That last step was hard, and I'm still a bit grouchy and tired from it. It's hard maintaining the preparations right now, waiting, thinking i'm going to get a BFN.

TWW Day two

Maybe I am a still a little anxious about all of this. I nearly had a breakdown last night when it looked like we weren't going to have time to BD. I kept thinking, "What if I ovulated late?! We need to do this tonight to make sure!" Luckily for my sanity we did end up having time, even if it did mean we went to bed super late and didn't get enough sleep.

A little bit of sadness showed up in the mail in the form of a package of things I had bought for my SIL. Some Pregnancy Pops and some tummy rub. I've packed them away for later, hopefully not too much later.

My SIL solved my anxiety about telling her if I get a BFP. She asked me this afternoon if I'd still tell her, because she want's to know asap. I promised her she'd be the third person to know.

I feel weird in this waiting period. I might be pregnant right this very minute, and not know it. I have to wait, and try not to speculate, all the while acting as if I am. Without letting anyone suspect I might be, or that I'm trying. I don't know how I'm going to last 12 more days (I have a short cycle, I'm supposed to get AF on 9/12). I may end up testing early, and not saying anything to anyone if it's negative (cause it could be a false negative.) Idk. 12 days is a long time. 9 days is still a long time.

Day one of my first TWW

Yesterday was the day that my calender says is when I ovulate. That means I am officially in my first TWW.

Somehow I've grown less anxious about it. I think my SIL's miscarriage has me feeling cautious and a little less gung-ho about the whole thing. I have new worries, new anxieties. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in this 100%, but now I worry about the timing. What happens if we get a BFP this cycle? Will she be happy for me? Hurt? Everyone (well the select few we tell) will be super cautious with their reactions, i know.  Especially since, well if it happened to her, it's likely to happen to me, right?

It still blows my mind that right now, at this very minute, I might be pregnant. I just don't know it yet. And I have to wait two whole weeks to find out. Bummer!