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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

TWW Number Two.

So, I'm about Four days into this TWW. I have 10 days to go. AF is due on October 8th. DH's birthday is October 11th. I'm hoping to give him a BFP for his birthday. I may have jinxed us last month when I bought a couple things to give him when we get a BFP. They're boxed up and hidden in a closet so he can't find them. 

I don't know how I feel about our chances this cycle. I'm a lot less stressed about it than I was last month. I just don't feel hyped up about it right now. I think part of me is really uneasy about the possibility of getting a BFP before my SIL does. Another part of me worries about infertility, and is almost positive one of us is infertile. There's no logic to that particular panic, it's just there.

Not to say that I'm not hoping. I'm keeping myself from going out and buying pee sticks because I know if I buy them, I will want to use them. Even if it's way to early to tell. Because I want to see a BFP. I think I want it bad enough that I've decided not to think about it, because it becomes this all consuming yearning if I focus on it too much.

I'm still avoiding going to the Dojo, mostly because I really don't want to try to explain that I can't do certain things because we're TTC. Not because I got a BFP, just because were trying, and there's a chance I might be pregnant. It feels so wishy washy and excuse-y to me. So instead I'm playing hookie until I know. Or rather, I'm just avoiding those days that I know we do sparing, which unfortunately is a couple of the days I actually can fit going into my schedule. Lucky for me my schedule is shifting slightly starting next week, so I'll be able to return to the Dojo on a semi regular basis.

The baby knitting is going along well, although I really haven't been putting a ton of effort into it. The first Burp Cloth is almost done, and the Ribbed baby jacket has reached the "Shape the Sleeves" stage. I still need to decide on a button for the Hoodie, and ties for the kimono jacket.  It's a lot of finishing work, which I hate. I want to get a baby hat on the needles soon, which means I need to get the Ribbed Jacket off the needles asap.

So yeah, I haven't been posting a lot because I'm afraid of getting my mind too wrapped up in this all again. I had to work really hard not to get upset about the BFN last month, I don't want to put too much on getting a BFP this month. I'm trying really hard to have a "if it happens it happens" outlook. It's not working real well. 

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