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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

TWW Number Two.

So, I'm about Four days into this TWW. I have 10 days to go. AF is due on October 8th. DH's birthday is October 11th. I'm hoping to give him a BFP for his birthday. I may have jinxed us last month when I bought a couple things to give him when we get a BFP. They're boxed up and hidden in a closet so he can't find them. 

I don't know how I feel about our chances this cycle. I'm a lot less stressed about it than I was last month. I just don't feel hyped up about it right now. I think part of me is really uneasy about the possibility of getting a BFP before my SIL does. Another part of me worries about infertility, and is almost positive one of us is infertile. There's no logic to that particular panic, it's just there.

Not to say that I'm not hoping. I'm keeping myself from going out and buying pee sticks because I know if I buy them, I will want to use them. Even if it's way to early to tell. Because I want to see a BFP. I think I want it bad enough that I've decided not to think about it, because it becomes this all consuming yearning if I focus on it too much.

I'm still avoiding going to the Dojo, mostly because I really don't want to try to explain that I can't do certain things because we're TTC. Not because I got a BFP, just because were trying, and there's a chance I might be pregnant. It feels so wishy washy and excuse-y to me. So instead I'm playing hookie until I know. Or rather, I'm just avoiding those days that I know we do sparing, which unfortunately is a couple of the days I actually can fit going into my schedule. Lucky for me my schedule is shifting slightly starting next week, so I'll be able to return to the Dojo on a semi regular basis.

The baby knitting is going along well, although I really haven't been putting a ton of effort into it. The first Burp Cloth is almost done, and the Ribbed baby jacket has reached the "Shape the Sleeves" stage. I still need to decide on a button for the Hoodie, and ties for the kimono jacket.  It's a lot of finishing work, which I hate. I want to get a baby hat on the needles soon, which means I need to get the Ribbed Jacket off the needles asap.

So yeah, I haven't been posting a lot because I'm afraid of getting my mind too wrapped up in this all again. I had to work really hard not to get upset about the BFN last month, I don't want to put too much on getting a BFP this month. I'm trying really hard to have a "if it happens it happens" outlook. It's not working real well. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

TTC Fertile Week Two.

I'm feeling a lot more ambivalent this time around. A lot more, if it happens it happens, if not, there's always next month. I'm still actively working on not getting all mopey when I see babies. I'm trying to just relax and let it happen when it happens.

We're at the very start (day two) of the Sex-a-thon around when I ovulate. DH said we should start having theme nights, like night four we could wear sombreros! It's weird that he actually said that around day 12 he gets bored. Somehow that bothered me.

I drank way too much caffeine this past weekend when we were down in NYC visiting friends. I'm really feeling the effects of dropping back off of it again.

I was super sick this morning, headachey and nauseous. So nauseous that I actually threw up bile because there was nothing else for me to throw up in my stomach. It's been a long time since I've done that. I was lucky because today is my late day at work, so I could take it easy all morning and get myself to a place of feeling better before heading into work, but it makes me worry about when I actually do get a BFP. If I have Morning Sickness, how will i deal with work?

I've added a new anxiety into the mix. We rent. For some reason I am really unhappy with us not having a house before we have a baby. I think I want to make a nursery, and it's really not something we can do in our apartment. I want a place of our own, we just can't afford it. Not yet anyways. Not will still paying off parts of the wedding, and needing a new car, and a new bed, and a million other little things. But someday soon. Just most likely not before we have a baby, unless this takes longer than I want it to!

So many issues in my head about this. I want DH to get a new car because I wouldn't trust a baby to his beat up old van. I want a house to make a nursery in. I'm worried about how the dog will deal with a baby. I'm worried about how I will deal with Morning sickness and labor and having  a newborn. I worry about my job and how I will deal with working or not working.

But then again, i just worry.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Day one of Cycle Two

Today is the first day after AF. The first day (they way I count at least) of Cycle two. I'm thinking about taking a slightly different approach this cycle. I plan on BD tonight, and every other day until my fertile period, then we go back to every day, then back to every other day after that. I want to give this the best chance possible.

I'm trying not to get to anxious, or put too much hope in this cycle. I'm trying to remember that this might take a while.

I don't know why I'm so impatient, other than the fact that I'm just an impatient person. It's like, I made up my mind to do this, now I want it, and I want it now. And I worry, I have a little voice in my head that keeps pointing out how many things could be wrong, things that would prevent us from getting a BFP. After years and years of trying NOT to get pregnant, you would think it would be easy once you stop the preventative measures.

And with every blog I read, I start to worry a bit more. There are so many people out there that have been trying for so long. Trying with every thing medical technology can throw at the problem. How long would I try before I gave up? I'm only one failed cycle in and I'm already frustrated and worried.

I really just need to calm down.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

AF Day 3

I'm on Day 3 of AF, which is typically my last day. I'm anxious to get this over with and get back to TTC. My calendar says my fertile period starts on the 19th, so next Monday, and that I ovulate on the 24th, the following Saturday. Does that sound right? Regardless, I'm anxious to get back to it, although I'm using this week to get in some dojo time, and push myself a bit harder in the exercise department.

I've been really down the past few days, just kinda in a funk. I'm going to say it's the fault of hormones.

I've been really good sticking to my "one small cup of coffee a day" caffeine limit, even with the fact that if I wanted to, I could drink more right now. I did have a half glass of wine at dinner last night though.

Don't have a lot to say today, just, trying not to let myself get too wrapped up in this.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Apperance of Aunt Flo

On Sunday morning, I tested, and like I was sure it would, I got a BFN. Later that day AF showed up. A day early even. I was surprised by how much that upset me. Maybe it's the hormones, but I just felt defeated. Even though I had an idea that I'd get a BFN this month, and even though parts of me were unsure on the timing of dealing with a BFP this month and what that would mean for our time line, I still felt crushed by the result.

DH was upset as well. Not devastated, but sad. He was excited about the prospect of a BFP. He's done what he can to help the process along. He worries about the state of his swimmers.

I know this is just our first cycle, and it's nothing to be worried about. I had a feeling that this cycle didn't work when I had light cramping and spotting a few days before AF was set to appear. I wonder about the mysterious symptoms I was having. I wonder if I thought myself into having them. That I wanted it so bad I convinced myself it was happening.

I've continued my baby knitting unfazed. I figure it's better to build up a stock pile of baby knits in advance. I'll need them eventually, when we do get a BFP (thinking positive here!) So far i've finished two baby blankets, a pair of baby booties, a hoodie, and two kimono wraps. On the needles right now are a burp cloth and a baby jacket. I'm thinking I'm going to keep a burp cloth on the needles until I build up a significant stockpile of them. I've heard they're useful.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

4 Days Till AF

I had a really tough time not testing last night, and not testing this morning. I've had a little more spotting, which has me super nervous about getting a BFN. The worst part is that I know if I test now, I could get a false negative, so it will be a waste of a test. But my god the waiting is killing me.

My SIL wants to go for food tonight, and I am inclined to say yes to the invitation, even though I had planned on going to the dojo tonight. Why? Because I want to avoid the dojo until I know. So I can have a valid (to me) reason why I'm not pushing myself as hard, or letting people punch me in the stomach.

The urge to test tonight, just to see, is almost overwhelming. This really sucks.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

5 Days Till AF

So, I'm well into my first TWW. I know I haven't been posting, but mostly that's because if I think about it too much I got a little bit crazy. According the my iphone app, which has been close to dead on accurate in the past, I have 5 days left before AF. Waiting is killing me. More than anything I want to test early, especially now that I'm within the supposed range of some of the HPT's. I've been pep talking myself into waiting until Sunday, which would be one day BAF.

I picked up an HPT today while I was at the store. I picked it up today for a couple reasons, one being impatience, but the other, main, one was that it was the only chance I was gonna get to pick one up without DH there. I really didn't want to make him be there when I bought that.

I'm starting to think I'm gonna get a BFN this time though. A couple days ago I had some cramping, and today and yesterday I've had some light spotting. I know you can get cramping and spotting with implantation, but it's so far after O, and so close to AF, I think it's just regular PMS.

But on the other (more hopeful) side of things, there was yesterday. I went running yesterday and my stomach felt strangely full, bloated almost, but it didn't feel like a normal bloated. (yeah yeah TMI I know.) Sometimes I think I feel pregnant, but I know that's just me wanting it bad enough to see every little symptom as a positive sign.

I'm trying to prepare myself for that BFN. Trying not to hope too much for a BFP. I just really want to know either way though. The wait is agonizing.

I've cut my caffeine intake down to  one 8 oz cup of coffee a day. That last step was hard, and I'm still a bit grouchy and tired from it. It's hard maintaining the preparations right now, waiting, thinking i'm going to get a BFN.