First official OB apointment

Today was my first appointment with my OB. Everything looked fine, nothing out of place. Got a huge packet of information and a lot of paperwork to fill out.

I scheduled my first Ultrasound for next Wednesday morning, it will be the "dating ultrasound" which will give us a more accurate due date. Hopefully we'll also get a picture to give to our parents. We're planning on making the announcements on thanksgiving.

I'm still rather nauseous, although I've managed (cross my fingers) to keep from actually throwing up for the past few days. My OB had some suggestions on foods that may help, and if the trend continues I should be feeling better by next week some time.

I am still super tired, although part of that may be the fact that I'm not really sleeping through the night very well. I have to get up at least once each night to pee (yeah i know tmi) and I usually do quite a bit of tossing and turning before falling back to sleep.

The good news is the OB gave me the thumbs up to return to (non contact) activity at the Dojo, once the pukey-ness goes away. I don't think anyone would really appreciate me inadvertently throwing up on them. I'm going to scale back how many days I go though, and pick the days carefully. Saturdays, yes, Thursdays, maybe. Mondays, maybe. I'm thinking twice a week will be all I'll be able to do, with one day a week doing a prenatal yoga video or something, and getting walks in when I can.

I really can't wait to be active again. I hate sitting around feeling like a lump. I know I'm supposed to take it easy, and listen to my body, and cut myself slack, but I just feel lazy. The fact that I don't have a baby bump yet doesn't help. Since there is no visible physical reason for me lying around all the time feeling simultaneously like I need a nap and like I need to empty my guts, I feel like maybe I'm exaggerating it, and I should just get up.

This past weekend I tried to buy some things from the maternity section at a store. As soon a I crossed that invisible (but very noticeable) line between the normal clothes and the maternity section, I wanted to bolt. I felt like a fraud, like an impostor. I do not have a belly, what am I doing in this section?! The same feeling came over me when I walked through the baby stuff section of the same store. Only it was augmented with the feeling that if I even touched any of the baby stuff I would jinx the pregnancy.

Sigh.

I'll get over this stuff eventually, I swear.

Halfway through week 8

I know it's been a long time since i posted. I've been having a rather rough go of it lately. Up until the last couple of weeks I was exausted all the time. The hardest part was not acting tired at my parents. Then a little over a week ago, the nausea hit, big time. I've just been doing my best to figure out what I can eat, and what I can do to keep myself from needing to loose my lunch at work or at my parents or in laws.

Last night it was a close call. For some reason meat, in all its forms, is strictly off my diet list for right now. My Father in law made some amazing herb crusted chicken and pork for dinner last night. As soon as I smelled it, it was all i could do not to loose it at the table.

I'm feeling a bit better today, celebrating the fact that I didn't throw up this morning, for the first time in days.

I had a mini panic attack the other night when it dawned on me that one of the things I've been eating for breakfast was 90% nuts. Not that I didn't know that, it just didn't register. I totally freaked out that I'm going to give my kid a nut allergy.

I have my first appointment with my OB next Wednesday, and I'm super excited for it. I really just want to know everything is going along well in there.

We've decided to break the news to the fam at thanksgiving. I'm going to buy my parents cheesy "I love my grandma/grandpa" photo frames and either put the sonogram pic in there or if we don't have one  yet, put a piece of paper with the due date on it in there. Since this will be their first grand kid, I'm sure it won't take long for it to sink in. I still haven't figured out how to tell my brother, I guess it'll depend on if he's going to be in town for thanksgiving or not.

I can't wait to have this all out in the open so I can stop trying to hide it when something someone puts on my plate makes me want to hurl!

Trying to get used to this

It still doesn't quite feel real. Other than feeling a little bloated, super tired, super thirsty, and needing to pee every 5 minutes, I feel the same. It's hard to believe that there's a little life growing inside of me.

Now the worry starts though. Every time I pee I check for blood. I made my first appointment with the doctor and I'm paranoid that I'm going to loose the baby before the appointment. I'm worried about how we'll handle our overly energetic dog as this goes on. DH has already said if he doesn't calm down we can't keep him.

We aren't telling anyone until after the 12 week mark. We're both paranoid about a miscarriage. DH doesn't want me to buy any baby stuff yet, and he keeps worrying that I'm getting to attached to it this early, when so much can still go wrong.


We're also not sure what to do about Maternity leave and whether it will make sense for me to work after the baby is born. I guess we still have a long time to figure that out, but it's high on my worry list. Along with our current apartment not really being quite big enough for the two of us, our 85 lb puppy, our cat, and a baby. My BIL (who is also our landlord) has talked about finishing off the attic above our apartment to give us some more room, but i don't know how practical that would be.

This weekend we're going to visit DH's grandmother, my BIL and SIL are coming as are my Mother and Father. I'm wondering if we'll get through the weekend without someone slipping up and saying something.

Almost done with the second TWW

I've been very good this time. I kept myself distracted and did not buy a pee stick. I'm trying really hard to wait and see if AF shows up or not before I test. I only have to hold out until Saturday, but oh man does that feel like a long time.

I'm trying to be good, I've started getting half caf instead of regular coffee, and I'm down to one 12 oz cup of that a day. I take my PNV every day, and I'm avoiding all the foods I'm supposed to avoid (although i really miss fresh motz.)

The Dojo is still the biggest hang up. I was able to go on Monday this week, because Monday Night Dinner with the Inlaws was changed to Tuesday Night Dinner with the Inlaws, although it got shuffled again (which is a whole 'nother post, and I'll get to go tomorrow night if I'm up to it, and again Saturday morning. I'll know before next Tuesday if I'm OK for sparring, or if a BFP has rendered me infinitely fragile. I'm thinking I'm going to get a BFN, but I'm trying to stay positive about it (heh, get it?)

The knitting slowed down a bunch, mostly because I just haven't had time to sit still with the needles. That and I got to a less mindless part of the pattern for the Baby jacket. I need to buy some finishing supplies at some point (ribbons and things) but I'm really hesitant to. It feels like Jinxing myself.

TWW Number Two.

So, I'm about Four days into this TWW. I have 10 days to go. AF is due on October 8th. DH's birthday is October 11th. I'm hoping to give him a BFP for his birthday. I may have jinxed us last month when I bought a couple things to give him when we get a BFP. They're boxed up and hidden in a closet so he can't find them. 

I don't know how I feel about our chances this cycle. I'm a lot less stressed about it than I was last month. I just don't feel hyped up about it right now. I think part of me is really uneasy about the possibility of getting a BFP before my SIL does. Another part of me worries about infertility, and is almost positive one of us is infertile. There's no logic to that particular panic, it's just there.

Not to say that I'm not hoping. I'm keeping myself from going out and buying pee sticks because I know if I buy them, I will want to use them. Even if it's way to early to tell. Because I want to see a BFP. I think I want it bad enough that I've decided not to think about it, because it becomes this all consuming yearning if I focus on it too much.

I'm still avoiding going to the Dojo, mostly because I really don't want to try to explain that I can't do certain things because we're TTC. Not because I got a BFP, just because were trying, and there's a chance I might be pregnant. It feels so wishy washy and excuse-y to me. So instead I'm playing hookie until I know. Or rather, I'm just avoiding those days that I know we do sparing, which unfortunately is a couple of the days I actually can fit going into my schedule. Lucky for me my schedule is shifting slightly starting next week, so I'll be able to return to the Dojo on a semi regular basis.

The baby knitting is going along well, although I really haven't been putting a ton of effort into it. The first Burp Cloth is almost done, and the Ribbed baby jacket has reached the "Shape the Sleeves" stage. I still need to decide on a button for the Hoodie, and ties for the kimono jacket.  It's a lot of finishing work, which I hate. I want to get a baby hat on the needles soon, which means I need to get the Ribbed Jacket off the needles asap.

So yeah, I haven't been posting a lot because I'm afraid of getting my mind too wrapped up in this all again. I had to work really hard not to get upset about the BFN last month, I don't want to put too much on getting a BFP this month. I'm trying really hard to have a "if it happens it happens" outlook. It's not working real well. 

TTC Fertile Week Two.

I'm feeling a lot more ambivalent this time around. A lot more, if it happens it happens, if not, there's always next month. I'm still actively working on not getting all mopey when I see babies. I'm trying to just relax and let it happen when it happens.

We're at the very start (day two) of the Sex-a-thon around when I ovulate. DH said we should start having theme nights, like night four we could wear sombreros! It's weird that he actually said that around day 12 he gets bored. Somehow that bothered me.

I drank way too much caffeine this past weekend when we were down in NYC visiting friends. I'm really feeling the effects of dropping back off of it again.

I was super sick this morning, headachey and nauseous. So nauseous that I actually threw up bile because there was nothing else for me to throw up in my stomach. It's been a long time since I've done that. I was lucky because today is my late day at work, so I could take it easy all morning and get myself to a place of feeling better before heading into work, but it makes me worry about when I actually do get a BFP. If I have Morning Sickness, how will i deal with work?

I've added a new anxiety into the mix. We rent. For some reason I am really unhappy with us not having a house before we have a baby. I think I want to make a nursery, and it's really not something we can do in our apartment. I want a place of our own, we just can't afford it. Not yet anyways. Not will still paying off parts of the wedding, and needing a new car, and a new bed, and a million other little things. But someday soon. Just most likely not before we have a baby, unless this takes longer than I want it to!

So many issues in my head about this. I want DH to get a new car because I wouldn't trust a baby to his beat up old van. I want a house to make a nursery in. I'm worried about how the dog will deal with a baby. I'm worried about how I will deal with Morning sickness and labor and having  a newborn. I worry about my job and how I will deal with working or not working.

But then again, i just worry.

Day one of Cycle Two

Today is the first day after AF. The first day (they way I count at least) of Cycle two. I'm thinking about taking a slightly different approach this cycle. I plan on BD tonight, and every other day until my fertile period, then we go back to every day, then back to every other day after that. I want to give this the best chance possible.

I'm trying not to get to anxious, or put too much hope in this cycle. I'm trying to remember that this might take a while.

I don't know why I'm so impatient, other than the fact that I'm just an impatient person. It's like, I made up my mind to do this, now I want it, and I want it now. And I worry, I have a little voice in my head that keeps pointing out how many things could be wrong, things that would prevent us from getting a BFP. After years and years of trying NOT to get pregnant, you would think it would be easy once you stop the preventative measures.

And with every blog I read, I start to worry a bit more. There are so many people out there that have been trying for so long. Trying with every thing medical technology can throw at the problem. How long would I try before I gave up? I'm only one failed cycle in and I'm already frustrated and worried.

I really just need to calm down.

AF Day 3

I'm on Day 3 of AF, which is typically my last day. I'm anxious to get this over with and get back to TTC. My calendar says my fertile period starts on the 19th, so next Monday, and that I ovulate on the 24th, the following Saturday. Does that sound right? Regardless, I'm anxious to get back to it, although I'm using this week to get in some dojo time, and push myself a bit harder in the exercise department.

I've been really down the past few days, just kinda in a funk. I'm going to say it's the fault of hormones.

I've been really good sticking to my "one small cup of coffee a day" caffeine limit, even with the fact that if I wanted to, I could drink more right now. I did have a half glass of wine at dinner last night though.

Don't have a lot to say today, just, trying not to let myself get too wrapped up in this.

The Apperance of Aunt Flo

On Sunday morning, I tested, and like I was sure it would, I got a BFN. Later that day AF showed up. A day early even. I was surprised by how much that upset me. Maybe it's the hormones, but I just felt defeated. Even though I had an idea that I'd get a BFN this month, and even though parts of me were unsure on the timing of dealing with a BFP this month and what that would mean for our time line, I still felt crushed by the result.

DH was upset as well. Not devastated, but sad. He was excited about the prospect of a BFP. He's done what he can to help the process along. He worries about the state of his swimmers.

I know this is just our first cycle, and it's nothing to be worried about. I had a feeling that this cycle didn't work when I had light cramping and spotting a few days before AF was set to appear. I wonder about the mysterious symptoms I was having. I wonder if I thought myself into having them. That I wanted it so bad I convinced myself it was happening.

I've continued my baby knitting unfazed. I figure it's better to build up a stock pile of baby knits in advance. I'll need them eventually, when we do get a BFP (thinking positive here!) So far i've finished two baby blankets, a pair of baby booties, a hoodie, and two kimono wraps. On the needles right now are a burp cloth and a baby jacket. I'm thinking I'm going to keep a burp cloth on the needles until I build up a significant stockpile of them. I've heard they're useful.

5 Days Till AF

So, I'm well into my first TWW. I know I haven't been posting, but mostly that's because if I think about it too much I got a little bit crazy. According the my iphone app, which has been close to dead on accurate in the past, I have 5 days left before AF. Waiting is killing me. More than anything I want to test early, especially now that I'm within the supposed range of some of the HPT's. I've been pep talking myself into waiting until Sunday, which would be one day BAF.

I picked up an HPT today while I was at the store. I picked it up today for a couple reasons, one being impatience, but the other, main, one was that it was the only chance I was gonna get to pick one up without DH there. I really didn't want to make him be there when I bought that.

I'm starting to think I'm gonna get a BFN this time though. A couple days ago I had some cramping, and today and yesterday I've had some light spotting. I know you can get cramping and spotting with implantation, but it's so far after O, and so close to AF, I think it's just regular PMS.

But on the other (more hopeful) side of things, there was yesterday. I went running yesterday and my stomach felt strangely full, bloated almost, but it didn't feel like a normal bloated. (yeah yeah TMI I know.) Sometimes I think I feel pregnant, but I know that's just me wanting it bad enough to see every little symptom as a positive sign.

I'm trying to prepare myself for that BFN. Trying not to hope too much for a BFP. I just really want to know either way though. The wait is agonizing.

I've cut my caffeine intake down to  one 8 oz cup of coffee a day. That last step was hard, and I'm still a bit grouchy and tired from it. It's hard maintaining the preparations right now, waiting, thinking i'm going to get a BFN.

TWW Day two

Maybe I am a still a little anxious about all of this. I nearly had a breakdown last night when it looked like we weren't going to have time to BD. I kept thinking, "What if I ovulated late?! We need to do this tonight to make sure!" Luckily for my sanity we did end up having time, even if it did mean we went to bed super late and didn't get enough sleep.

A little bit of sadness showed up in the mail in the form of a package of things I had bought for my SIL. Some Pregnancy Pops and some tummy rub. I've packed them away for later, hopefully not too much later.

My SIL solved my anxiety about telling her if I get a BFP. She asked me this afternoon if I'd still tell her, because she want's to know asap. I promised her she'd be the third person to know.

I feel weird in this waiting period. I might be pregnant right this very minute, and not know it. I have to wait, and try not to speculate, all the while acting as if I am. Without letting anyone suspect I might be, or that I'm trying. I don't know how I'm going to last 12 more days (I have a short cycle, I'm supposed to get AF on 9/12). I may end up testing early, and not saying anything to anyone if it's negative (cause it could be a false negative.) Idk. 12 days is a long time. 9 days is still a long time.

Day one of my first TWW

Yesterday was the day that my calender says is when I ovulate. That means I am officially in my first TWW.

Somehow I've grown less anxious about it. I think my SIL's miscarriage has me feeling cautious and a little less gung-ho about the whole thing. I have new worries, new anxieties. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in this 100%, but now I worry about the timing. What happens if we get a BFP this cycle? Will she be happy for me? Hurt? Everyone (well the select few we tell) will be super cautious with their reactions, i know.  Especially since, well if it happened to her, it's likely to happen to me, right?

It still blows my mind that right now, at this very minute, I might be pregnant. I just don't know it yet. And I have to wait two whole weeks to find out. Bummer!

Ovulation Day!

According to my calendar, today is when I am supposed to ovulate. We've done everything we can to make sure I get a BFP this cycle. I'm about to enter my first TWW, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive it.

My SIL miscarried this weekend. She was about four weeks along. I'm kinda upset about it. Both because I'm disappointed, because I was excited about her baby, and also because I'm worried how she will take it if I get pregnant now.

I'm super excited/nervous about the fact that right now, at this very moment, I may in fact be pregnant. Waiting until the 12th to test is going to be hard.

TTC Fertile Week One!

My first fertile cycle since we started TTC starts on Wednesday. Out of impatience and a desire to more than cover our bases, we're starting tonight. In preparation, my DH has been chowing down on Watermelon (which he hates), and I cut my morning coffee down from a large to a medium.

Both of these preparations are huge sacrifices for us. DH hates watermelon, he says it takes like watery cardboard. But he puts on a brave face and eats a large chunk of watermelon heart twice a day, just in case.

I love my morning coffee, cutting back to a "safe" level of caffeine has been an exercise is self control. My FIL roasts his own coffee. Super tasty delicious coffee. Every time we go over there, he offers to brew up some for us, and I get hit with the double whammy of desire and guilt. I really *do* want to accept a cup of that deliciousness, and I feel guilty for turning down something that was so lovingly made. Since we're not telling anyone we're trying, I can't say "I would love some, but it might interfere with us giving you grand-babies." So I just tried saying I'm trying to cut down my caffeine intake.

A new concern that's pop-ed up is the Cat Litter. We have a cat and a dog who we can't have in the same room unsupervised. Our cat is slightly neurotic and so we keep him, and his food, water and litter, in our bedroom. Now I'm reading that pregnant women should not have any contact with cat litter, because of the risk of  Toxoplasmosis. We're trying to figure out a solution, somehow moving the cat litter and subsequently the cat to another room, however the cat will be miserable if he's separated from us all the time. It's a stupid problem, but it's one that's completely stressing me out for some reason. I'm not quite sure how we're going to solve the problem, seeing as our apartment is already kind of small for us, and we have everything wedged in just so. I'm thinking my awesome desk and my treadmill might have to go. Sadness.