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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

TWW Day two

Maybe I am a still a little anxious about all of this. I nearly had a breakdown last night when it looked like we weren't going to have time to BD. I kept thinking, "What if I ovulated late?! We need to do this tonight to make sure!" Luckily for my sanity we did end up having time, even if it did mean we went to bed super late and didn't get enough sleep.

A little bit of sadness showed up in the mail in the form of a package of things I had bought for my SIL. Some Pregnancy Pops and some tummy rub. I've packed them away for later, hopefully not too much later.

My SIL solved my anxiety about telling her if I get a BFP. She asked me this afternoon if I'd still tell her, because she want's to know asap. I promised her she'd be the third person to know.

I feel weird in this waiting period. I might be pregnant right this very minute, and not know it. I have to wait, and try not to speculate, all the while acting as if I am. Without letting anyone suspect I might be, or that I'm trying. I don't know how I'm going to last 12 more days (I have a short cycle, I'm supposed to get AF on 9/12). I may end up testing early, and not saying anything to anyone if it's negative (cause it could be a false negative.) Idk. 12 days is a long time. 9 days is still a long time.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Day one of my first TWW

Yesterday was the day that my calender says is when I ovulate. That means I am officially in my first TWW.

Somehow I've grown less anxious about it. I think my SIL's miscarriage has me feeling cautious and a little less gung-ho about the whole thing. I have new worries, new anxieties. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in this 100%, but now I worry about the timing. What happens if we get a BFP this cycle? Will she be happy for me? Hurt? Everyone (well the select few we tell) will be super cautious with their reactions, i know.  Especially since, well if it happened to her, it's likely to happen to me, right?

It still blows my mind that right now, at this very minute, I might be pregnant. I just don't know it yet. And I have to wait two whole weeks to find out. Bummer!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Ovulation Day!

According to my calendar, today is when I am supposed to ovulate. We've done everything we can to make sure I get a BFP this cycle. I'm about to enter my first TWW, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive it.

My SIL miscarried this weekend. She was about four weeks along. I'm kinda upset about it. Both because I'm disappointed, because I was excited about her baby, and also because I'm worried how she will take it if I get pregnant now.

I'm super excited/nervous about the fact that right now, at this very moment, I may in fact be pregnant. Waiting until the 12th to test is going to be hard.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Phantom Symptoms

Looking at my calendar there is a little green dot on the day yesterday, which means I'm fertile, and a little red heart, which means we were intimate. Somehow having those both on the same day for the first time feels profound.

Today I'm tired from lack of sleep and lack of caffeine. My stomach is off, which is making it hard to drink the cup of coffee sitting on my desk. Everything I'm eating and drinking, with the exception of the cheddar bunnies I just ate, is bothering my stomach.

I'm trying not to read too much into the symptoms, the fatigue, the light nausea, the restlessness. I know there's little to no chance of me being pregnant right at this moment, since I'm not supposed to ovulate till the 29th. Even if my cycle was a few days short this month, there's no way it would have happened yet.

Here's hoping that I'm wrong though ^_^

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Getting to the serious point.

Last night was the start of the serious TTC. My fertile week starts today, so we started last night. I'm anxious about it. I want this to work and yet the actual start of the serious part has me a little scared. What if I'm doing this for the wrong reasons?

I do martial arts, The Dojo is my happy place. Last night I had a moment of panicked realization that I'm going to have to tell them that I can't do a lot of things, and make sure I don't push myself as hard as I usually do. I came to this realization during a drill which involved protecting only our heads, focusing on keeping our guards up and allowing body shots in. I took a couple of strong hits to the midsection, and realized that after that class, I can't let that happen anymore. I also push myself way too hard, getting to that queasy point. That's something I can't do anymore. It just somehow feels awkward saying "I can't do this because I'm TTC." As if this is somehow less legitimate a reason than actually being pregnant.

I know there's no way for me to be pregnant yet, but yesterday I was intensely moody for no apparent reason. I think it may be the lack of caffeine. As carefully as I've stepped myself down, I still feel it. I'm down within the safe tolerance levels of no more than two 8 oz cups of coffee a day. I want to step down a little further, to be only having one 8 oz cup each day, but it's so hard. Each time I step down I feel sluggish and irritable for a few days. Yesterday was particularly rough, if that was indeed the cause.

I guess all I can do is ride out the next few weeks and try not to drive DH crazy!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

TTC Fertile Week One!

My first fertile cycle since we started TTC starts on Wednesday. Out of impatience and a desire to more than cover our bases, we're starting tonight. In preparation, my DH has been chowing down on Watermelon (which he hates), and I cut my morning coffee down from a large to a medium.

Both of these preparations are huge sacrifices for us. DH hates watermelon, he says it takes like watery cardboard. But he puts on a brave face and eats a large chunk of watermelon heart twice a day, just in case.

I love my morning coffee, cutting back to a "safe" level of caffeine has been an exercise is self control. My FIL roasts his own coffee. Super tasty delicious coffee. Every time we go over there, he offers to brew up some for us, and I get hit with the double whammy of desire and guilt. I really *do* want to accept a cup of that deliciousness, and I feel guilty for turning down something that was so lovingly made. Since we're not telling anyone we're trying, I can't say "I would love some, but it might interfere with us giving you grand-babies." So I just tried saying I'm trying to cut down my caffeine intake.

A new concern that's pop-ed up is the Cat Litter. We have a cat and a dog who we can't have in the same room unsupervised. Our cat is slightly neurotic and so we keep him, and his food, water and litter, in our bedroom. Now I'm reading that pregnant women should not have any contact with cat litter, because of the risk of  Toxoplasmosis. We're trying to figure out a solution, somehow moving the cat litter and subsequently the cat to another room, however the cat will be miserable if he's separated from us all the time. It's a stupid problem, but it's one that's completely stressing me out for some reason. I'm not quite sure how we're going to solve the problem, seeing as our apartment is already kind of small for us, and we have everything wedged in just so. I'm thinking my awesome desk and my treadmill might have to go. Sadness.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Exciting Weekend, and My Impatience

This weekend my SIL, who has been trying to get pregnant for almost a year, found out she's pregnant. She had told me she was late on Thursday, and we had talked about it again on Friday during the day. She had asked me not to say anything to anyone, because she didn't want to say anything until she was sure. I promised, but made her promise to tell me as soon as she tested, either way. When her and her husband picked us up to go out on Friday, she handed me the stick. When she handed it to me and I read the positive I got so excited I jumped out of my seat in the car and hugged her, which of course scared the crap out of her husband who was driving. She's being cautious and not telling anyone until after the first trimester, to "make sure it sticks" as she put it. I think she's really worried about it. It's killing me not being able to celebrate openly, but until she makes the announcement I'm being good and just secretly plotting, er, planning her baby shower.

This weekend I also went and took care of some dental work I've been putting off. I really hate getting dental work done. The whole time they were drilling away I kept thinking, this is for the future baby. Just keep your mind on that. I've also started flossing regularly, because my dentist told me I was starting to develop localized gingivitis between my teeth.

I'm having trouble being patient with the process. I know that I don't ovulate till the 29th, which means that my fertile period doesn't start until the 24th, but I'm impatient. I want to try now. I want to see that positive now. I know, intellectually, that this may take a while. It may take a long time, but emotionally I'm impatient. I don't know if I'll feel better or worse once we hit the fertile period. I don't know how badly I'll take the Two Week Wait. I suspect it will be very very hard on me. I'm worried, because of how long it took my SIL to conceive, I'm worried because my DH is worried, I'm worried because I know myself and I know how impatient I am. And I'm trying not to worry because it's pointless and counterproductive.

I'm still having trouble dropping below my current caffeine intake. I'm good some days, and others not-so-much. This morning is a not-so-much morning. I've got my large 18 oz cup of coffee sitting on my desk. Tomorrow I'm going to try going with the medium to go cup. I'm hoping to step myself down to getting the small cup every morning, to leave myself wiggle room for the rest of the day. I really do think keeping myself to two 8 oz cups of coffee a day will be one of my biggest struggles with this whole process.

Trying to focus on enjoying the journey, instead of just yearning for the destination.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Day One

Today is the day after the end of my period. Today marks the real beginning of my TTC journey. I've been pre-planning for months though, just getting my ducks in a row so to speak. I've been taking PNV's for three months, just in case. I've been weaning myself off caffeine (I'm down to only one large cup in the AM) and I've been working on easing myself into a healthier eating plan. 

I've been reading too much information, scouring the internet for articles and blogs. Trying not to get myself too caught up in this, in case we have trouble. But I'm so excited and nervous and full on ready to make this happen. 

And since I can't talk to anyone about this, lest my mother hear and get overblown excited like we females in my family tend to do, I decided to blog it out.

I don't know how long this will take us, and I'm sure the journey will be interesting to no one but me. I'm already thinking about cribs and wraps and maternity clothes. I've already started knitting baby stuff (knowing how slow I knit it's a good thing I've already started.) I've got my fingers crossed that this stage is a short one, but I'm trying to keep my expectations in line.