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Monday, October 28, 2013

Getting my butt kicked by Monday.

Mondays always kick my butt. Oh who am I kidding, almost every morning kicks my butt these days. I am terrible at scheduling my time. Lately, it seems like my schedule has spun out of control, and with the lack of time goes my time and energy to work out.

Every weekend now is packed full of things we want or need to do. Before having our daughter, it seemed relatively easy to find a day to have down time. Usually sundays were low key, just hanging around the house, relaxing. I think our lack of ability to get anything done during the work week has contributed to the weekends being so harried.

Even without special plans, our weekends blur past in a rush to get the grocery shopping, laundry, house cleaning done. We see my parents on saturday and have that standing brunch date with a friend on sundays.

This week there was a Halloween party for the kids on sunday (which was also a birthday party so necessitated a shopping trip to a toy store,) and the wasted time at the crossfit gym followed by more wasted time recovering from the anxiety attack. I still did manage to get the run in on Saturday, which helps.

I've been mostly successful finding time to exercise one day each weekend (usually saturday.) But by monday morning, I'm out of energy, and most definitely not ready to face the work week. I've been trying (and mostly failing) to attend a Monday night yoga group. It's at an awkward time for me (7pm), but I really do feel like when I go, it helps my overall anxiety level. Even if getting myself there can be an entire anxiety trip on it's own. (Nothing like showing up to a room full of skinny good looking 20 somethings, while wearing clothes that show off the fact that I am in no way a skinny 20 something.)

A lot of the time, I end up not going because things didn't get done over the weekend, and there is just too much to do on monday. I am too tired, too stressed, have to make dinner, husband has to stay late at work....blah blah blah.

And then it's a race to see if I can find any time all week to work out.

I usually find myself at Saturday again before i know it, having maybe worked out one other time during the week. I've contemplated waking up earlier to work out, but honestly I'm barely dragging myself out of bed right now to get to work on time. I've tried going to bed earlier, but then I lay awake in bed trying to sleep until my normal bed time hits. I am just not a morning person.

This week I have a plan, and we'll see how well it works. Tonight, Yoga. If Yoga becomes an impossibility tonight, I will force myself to run on the treadmill. No excuses, at least half an hour of exercise tonight.

Tuesday, if I went to  yoga, then I go for a run. If I ran tonight, then I will do a yoga video at home.

Wednesday is my off day, since I work wacky hours.

Thursday is Halloween, so I'm going to try to run, but it will most likely turn into an off day.

Friday, run. Saturday, attempt to drag my butt out of bed for a group training session at the scary crossfit gym where my friend is still trying to get me to do the biggest looser challenge. I'm going to try one more time I think, and then, if the anxiety is too much, give up on it.

This turned out to be kind of a scattered post, but that's how I'm feeling today. Scattered and honestly, really really tired.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Anxiety, a goal failure, and a redeeming run.

I tried to sign up for that Biggest Looser style competition today. It did not go well. I showed up at the place within the designated time frame to sign up (between 7 and 10 am.) I was not sure I was in the right place when I walked in. It was just a big room with some fitness equipment, and a bunch of very fit people doing cross fit in different small groups. There were a couple people sitting on a couch near the entrance. After standing around looking lost for a second I approached one of them and asked them if this was the right place. They had no idea, but said the trainer running it should be around somewhere, just go wait on the other couch. So I sat there. And I sat there. And I sat there. The people on the other couch got up and joined a few other people that had wandered in and started their own class. Eventually another class ended and the instructor saw me sitting there, and asked who I was waiting for. She called the trainer, no answer, texted her, no answer. Said she was sorry, and left.

I had now been sitting there for about half an hour, feeling completely insecure and stupid. I was the proverbial fat kid being stood up by the popular girls.

I left.

I had a complete meltdown by the time I got home. It had taken me so much to just get myself there, to put myself out there and walk in that door. Every second I sat there I felt a little bit worse, a little bit uglier, a little bit more worthless. Every time I saw someone looking at me, It was like I could read on their face what they were thinking. "What is she doing here? Look at her! So fat and ugly and stupid." I'm sure none of them were actually thinking that. I'm sure they're perfectly lovely people. But that's what my head said. That's what I felt.

When I got home, I couldn't explain to my husband why I was so upset, why I was curled up with my face in my hands sobbing. 

So we went for a run. We packed our daughter and the jogging stroller into the car, and my husband strapped his brand new, untested, knee brace on, and we drove to the canal path near our house. It was freezing and windy, and while we were setting the stroller up and strapping our daughter in I thought about calling it and heading home. But we went.

My husband is very tall and has very long legs. His natural walking pace is almost as fast as my normal running pace. He runs at a really fast clip. To slow him down, he pushes the Jogging stroller when we run together, but usually he still burns me out really quickly. This was his first run in a while, his first run with the knee brace, and only his second run since his knee injury. We wern't planning on going very far.

I kept up with him, feeling comfortable at the pace he was setting. I had some nasty heartburn for a while (I hadn't eaten yet.) But by the time we hit the one mile point, I was still feeling alright. My husband dropped back to a walk at that point, and I kept going for a while, about another half mile, before turning around and taking a walk break. When we hit the bridge which marks the one mile point again, we started jogging again for a while, about a quarter mile, before I was unable to maintain his pace. He said he was shot at that point anyways, so he started walking, and I slowed my jogging pace way down. I took inventory and realized I was just about out of gas, but decided I could make it to the 1/2 mile point. I sprinted the last bit of it, and then dropped back to a walk, and headed back to meet up with my husband. The walk back to the car was nice, although I had to ask him to slow down at one point, he really does walk fast.

The running part (including my walk breaks) was about 2.42 miles. Not a far run, but it was fast (for me) and doing a run in the cold, blustery weather made me feel much more hard core about it.

It helped my state of mind a lot to do that run, but I'm still having a hard time shaking off the anxiety from this morning.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Last night was a workout fail.

So my plan to run last night was a fail. After getting home, I changed into running gear, started defrosting the fish for dinner, started the dishwasher, and played with my daughter. She refused to go down for a nap, so no treadmill run. It was too cold and nasty out to drag her out in the Jogging stroller.

"That's fine." I thought, "I will run on the treadmill after she goes to bed."

Except I didn't. After dinner and play time and bed time, I was exhausted. So I vegged. I sat on the couch and watched TV for two hours and then went to bed.

Inexcusable, really. There was time there, at the end of the day. I just couldn't make myself get up and go run.

I did spend a good half hour dancing around in the living room carrying my toddler. It was definitely sweat inducing, but I wouldn't call it a workout.

I've been keepin' on with the juice in the morning and sticking to my WW points, so that's a plus this week. It will be interesting to see what my weigh in looks like this week.

Speaking of weigh ins, I was invited to join a "Biggest Looser" style "competition" recently. The first weigh in is this Saturday. I'm hoping that being involved in something like this will be the kick in the butt I need to make sure I get my workouts done.

Mentally this week has been rough. I feel completely frustrated with myself right now. I keep "re-comitting" to workouts, and missing them. Yes, I'm keeping (some) control over my diet, and I am exercising occasionally, but it's not where it should be. Life keeps getting in the way. I feel like it's impossible for me to save the time and energy I need to workout. The only time I seem to be able to carve out for workouts is at the very end of my day, when I'm out of energy, it's dark out, and all I want to do is just fall into bed. Any time I carve out for workouts leaves something else that I should have finished, undone. I feel guilty for giving up the time with my daughter, for not making dinner, for not being home to clean or do dishes or laundry, or even just to watch the kid while my husband does some of that.

I feel awesome after a run, but then, as soon as all the stuff I wasn't doing smacks me in the face when I get home, that feeling disappears, and I'm more stressed than ever. I need to find a better flow in my life.

I'm going to try to run tonight, try to make myself run. I think I really need it tonight.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

First treadmill run of the season

Last night I had to make a command decision. The temps were dipping close to 40 degrees and the wind was blustery cold. I could not, in good conscience, take my daughter out on a run with me in that weather. Oh, the weather was fine if it was just me going out for a run, but not for strapping my tiny toddler into her jogging stroller and pushing her along in front of me.

My run seemed doomed.

And then, miracle of miracles, my daughter decided she wanted a nap. An unusual (of late) afternoon nap. So I plunked her down in her crib, and set about unburying the treadmill.

Over the course of the summer, the back room where the treadmill sits has continued to collect....stuff. Basically everything we don't know where to put, ends up back there. It's a problem. There were stacks of boxes surrounding the treadmill.

In a fit of inspiration while moving said boxes (which were thankfully mostly empty,) I created a tower next to the treadmill where I could, oh so carefully, perch my laptop. I had, while complaining bitterly about the boredom of treadmill runs to a colleague, had it suggested to me that I try to watch television or movies while I ran.

"Yes!" I thought, as I positioned the laptop where I could see it, "I have Netflix, I have a computer, I have cheesy television shows my husband refuses to watch, this will work!"

And it did....sort of. About halfway through my run, while struggling to hear the puny audio from my laptop, I realized I could turn on the closed captioning. That was much better. It did not, however, distract me completely from the run.

25 minutes into the run (I forgot to check how far the treadmill thought I had gone), running at a steady 3.8, I was out of juice. I just, didn't have it in me past that point. I don't know what it was ( I do have a few theories ,) but that 25 minutes on the treadmill felt so much longer and harder than the last outdoor run I did, which I suspect was way longer.

I'm happy because I actually managed to fit in a run, but I'm upset about the quality and length of that run. I'm really proud of myself for not giving in and giving up on the run, for finding a way to get some exercise in, however I'm upset with myself for not pushing through it, and finishing a full half hour. I'm hoping to get out for another run on thursday, but it may end up being a treadmill day because of scheduling. Saturday I will most definitely be outside running.

The juicing is going so so. I was doing great this week, until today. The juice I had for breakfast today was vile. It tasted so bad it was making me ill to drink it. I choked down as much as I could (not much) and tossed the rest. What a waste. I'm going to have to make a late night trip on my way home from work tonight to pick up more juice somewhere, or risk not having any in the morning again.

I have been sticking to my WW points through this week so far. I made the effort to only have a small helpings at dinner last night, even though I did have a small brownie and a small scoop of ice cream, I managed to stay right around my points limit.

I have a hard goal deadline now. My brother and his fiance set a date for their wedding, and I really want to have lost at least a significant portion of the weight by then. Luckily for me, they chose August 30th, so I have 10 entire months (and some change) to hit my goal.

If I keep on the trajectory I'm on now (loosing about a 1/2 lb a week) I'll have lost 20 lbs by then, which is only about half way to my goal weight. So I have to kick it up a bit, try to up the weight loss to a whole pound each week. Yikes.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Outside Forces

Sometimes (often) the things that affect my ability to work out are completely out of my control. Last night was most definitely one of those times.

I was planning on attending a 7pm yoga class. Normally this is only a small scheduling issue. If I have dinner ready before I go, my husband can eat and feed the baby while I'm at Yoga, and I eat when I get home. Normally my husband gets home between 5:45 and 6:00, which gives me plenty of time to pack up and leave for class.

Last night he got home a little after 6:30.

I could have still gone. I could have shown up late I suppose, sometimes people do. But I'm one of those obsessively early people. I hate nothing more than walking in somewhere late.

"It's Ok." I thought, "I can still do a yoga video later after the munchkin goes to bed."

Except she didn't. She was up and wired until sometime between 8:30 and 9:00. For reference she's usually in bed before 8pm.

So I ended up, exhausted from toddler play time, collapsing on the couch and watching television in my yoga clothes.

I'm hoping to make up for that failure yesterday with a run today. It is incredibly windy out there, and I'm going to be running with the jogging stroller, so I don't have high hopes for a stellar run. But I'm determined to do something today.

I will not let the Blerch win.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Fall down 7 times, get up 8

Well I fell "off the wagon" big time this weekend. I ran out of Juice on Thursday. Friday, Saturday and Sunday were a food free for all. I tried to eat well, and made healthier choices ( omlette for breakfast instead of eggs benedict, saying no to a second helping of crepes...) but I did not track, and I did not have juice for breakfast.

Saturday I was supposed to get up early (for me) and go to a free trial workout at 7am for a biggest looser challenge I want to do. Even though I went to bed (relatively) early (for me) I just could not drag myself out of bed at 6 Saturday morning.

After a tasty breakfast of homemade crepes with Strawberry Jam (and no Juice), I was feeling very....well for lack of a better term.... Blerchy. So I made a deal with myself. As soon as my daughter went down for her nap, I would go for a run.  It didn't have to be a long run, or a fast run, but I needed to get myself out there, and get some exercise.

I was kind of excited for the run, since I was planning on wearing headphones for the first time while running the canal path. The only other time I'd run while wearing headphones I had found that I ran further, faster and with less angst.

I could not however find the arm band required for carrying my phone with me. There was a moment, a dark tiny moment, where that was almost enough to derail my running plan. I decided, instead, to run without tech. For the first time in a very long time, I would go out and run without something tracking my every step.

I was planning on running on the Canal path, which I know very well, and where I know the approximate distances to various landmarks. This was enough to keep my anxiety about not knowing exactly how fast or how far from overwhelming my desire to run.

So I went. Without tech, without music, without knowing how far or how fast. And it was a great run. The path was practically empty. There was a light breeze blowing across the path and it was cool and partly sunny. The breeze was nice, and since it was blowing across the path, I wasn't fighting the wind on either the out or back. I really wasn't thinking about speed or distance, I just kinda ran.

Oh yeah, it felt the familiar awful on and off for most of the run. There was the ongoing argument in my head between the part of me ( the Blerch ) that wanted me to stop, and the part of me that refused to. I ran out to the first Lock from where I started running, took a walk break and ran back. Based on what I remembered about the distances I figured I'd run about 2.5 miles, give or take.

I was wrong. When I got home and entered my run into mapmyrun, I saw a number that I really wasn't expecting. 3.27 miles. Without meaning to, without planning on it, I had run further than a 5k. This was an epiphany moment for me. This was a moment where I realized that I can do this, that somehow, without me noticing, it got easier. I ran a 5k, my goal distance that I had trained to meet all last winter, without it feeling like a huge distance.

This morning, I'm back to the Juice. It feels healthier to be drinking it. It's almost 11 now, and I feel only minimally hungry. I still have a bit of juice left in my cup.

Tonight is a Yoga night. I'm going to need it, I did not do enough stretching after my run (and totally forgot to do any foam rolling), so my legs are tight and a little achey. I'm really looking forward to some time on the Mat and getting some of these kinks out.

But it was worth it, oh yes it was. If only to realize that I can do it.

I can run, and I can't stop me.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Day 2....Go!

Today is day two of starting my day off with juice. Yesterday went relatively well, I kept myself from eating until almost lunch time. I had a banana at 11, so a little before lunch, but I figured it was fruit so not so bad. 

I had a hard time not snacking all evening. I've been having a bout of insomnia along with the cold (yes i'm sure they are related,) so I was really tired and cranky. All I wanted to do was eat and curl up in front of the TV and then pass out. 

Mondays are usually Yoga nights, but with a head full of snot and a cough that could have knocked me off my yoga mat (along with, i'll admit it, a healthy dose of "I'm too tired for this",) I stayed home to sit on the couch and watch TV. Just like I wanted to.

Except I have a toddler. A very cute, very active toddler. Who loves her momma, and wants her momma's attention. So there wasn't much sitting and relaxing happening until later, when she was in bed.

Once the toddler was in bed, dinner was over and I was comfortably installed on the couch in front of the television, I no longer had the urge to snack on everything in the house. In fact I very resolutely turned down offered snacks. I was simply not hungry any more. 

But before that, oh man. I had been decent all day in the eating department. I had Ratatouille for lunch with a small bag of Kettle corn, 12(yes I count them out) animal crackers and two WW cheese sticks for snacks (I tend to snack all day instead of just eating lunch). I stuck to the one cup of coffee (I drank decaf tea instead) and with the exception of the banana, did not eat until after lunch. Once at home though, the battle started. Cake in the fridge, cookies in the pantry. The enticing smell of the pulled pork slow cooking in the crock pot. I caved and had a small piece of cake, but that was it. I only had one pulled pork sandwich (with minimal bbq sauce) for dinner.

I had trouble falling asleep again last night, although we did go to bed earlier, so I'm sure I was able to get at least a decent amount of sleep. I feel exhausted today. I woke up with a headache (I'm sure my caffeine taper has something to do with that.) I still have a cold. I've finished my "breakfast juice" and am sipping my one (cold) allotted cup of coffee. I'm already starting to feel hungry, and it's not even 10. I think today, with it's rapidly accumulating stress level, is going to be a challenge. 

Tonight is going to be another monumental diet challenge. Tonight is family dinner night at the in-laws, and since this past week was my husbands birthday, it's a birthday dinner. My Father In Law is a great cook, and usually makes relatively healthy, tasty meals (even though i do end up over eating even on the healthy food too.) This week however, since it's a "birthday dinner" we will be ordering out for food. It is very hard for me to find something healthy and within my diet when we order out. And I'm sure there will be cake, or pie, and cookies, and ice cream. 

Since I know it will be almost impossible for me to eat only healthy food tonight, I'm going to try to focus on eating small portions of each thing I eat. I will try to make healthy decisions, but I'm realistic about my ability to turn down cake, or fries for that matter. I think focusing on having a very small amount of these things might be a good strategy tonight. We'll see how well I do with it.

Monday, October 14, 2013


Today marks the first day of my experiment in Juicing. No, not that kind of juicing. No steroids here, just crushed, pulped and liquified veggies and fruits.

I'm not going all out and doing a juice fast right off the bat. I think that would require me taking time off from work to deal with the caffeine withdrawal at the very least. Instead I'm starting by replacing one meal a day, at this point breakfast, with juice. Since I'm not a big breakfast person ( I usually don't really get hungry until around 10 or 11 when I wake up at 7) I figure having a juice in the morning will be an easy transition.

Part of my plan is to wean myself off of caffeine, I'm going down to one cup of coffee a day this week, I will switch to decaf next week. Hopefully this will avoid the worst of the withdrawal symptoms, since it would be very difficult to deal with the migraines and lethargy while working and dealing with the munchkin.

I taste tested two juice blends from Wegmans last week, and while I found one of them completely undrinkable, I found I actually quite liked the "Green Glory" juice. I've gotten myself a large bottle of that, and a smaller bottle of the "Triple berry" juice. I'm not sure if it will be enough to get me through the week of breakfasts. I can always make a run to grab another bottle if I need it.

The bottles are kind of expensive, the large quart bottle I bought ran me $8, so if this works and I decide to continue replacing meals with juice (or even supplementing them), I'm going to have to look into buying an actual juicer.

I'm hoping that I tolerate this well, and can eventually plan to do a 10 day Juice "fast", to really give my weight loss efforts a boost. I'm really nervous about this. My weakness, diet wise, is carbs. I usually crave something bread-y with every meal, and most snacks. I use crackers, bread, oatmeal, and cookies to "settle my stomach" whenever it's feeling off, so the idea of having liquid meals scares me.

I'm going to try to be as honest as possible here about my experience with this, so it might get a little TMI at times.

So far (yes day one is not very far into it but still,) it's going alright. I've got my large cup of "Green Glory" juice that I'm sipping. I did start the day with (most of) a cup of coffee. I left some of that in the cup so I can have another hit of caffeine later in the morning. I had a moment, before I started drinking my juice that I wanted to just skip it today. My stomach wasn't feeling awesome, and I got that queasy feeling when I thought about actually starting to drink the juice. I really just wanted to open up my lunch bag and chow down on some of the snacks I brought for lunch.  I did not want to give up before I started, though, so I took that first sip. I'm feeling better now, more optimistic about being able to sustain this.

The other complication I'm going to be dealing with is health related. Right as I was planning this change, I came down with a nasty cold. It's still hanging on, causing a lot of stuffiness, a sore throat from post-nasal drip, and a lot of coughing. We'll see if the juice helps me fight it off, or if the cold will win.