I realized that had I managed to get myself on the treadmill, I had a 50/50 chance of falling off of it, or injuring myself in some way. So I gave myself a pass on the run. Well not a pass, I'm going to try to make up the run tonight. I'm not sure how good of an Idea that is, but it's the only thing keeping me from completely beating myself up about the missed run.
I'm feeling very defeated about it all. I keep trying to refocus myself on how far I've come in the past few weeks, but the continual missing of (usually) single runs each week somehow feels awful. I keep reminding myself that April is a long way away (and october is longer) and the key is to build slowly on my mileage, a missed run every now and then is not that bad.
I have increased the distance of my long runs by one mile each week, which is a major accomplishment, and one that I'm very proud of. I'm confident that I'm going to crush the Reindeer Run in two weeks. I've increased my pace significantly since I started this training plan as well, something I was not consciously working on.
I think some of this comes from the fact that I still think of myself as a fraud. I'm not a real runner. I'm pretending to follow a training plan. There's no way I'll ever be able to finish an actual half marathon. All that gear on my christmas list? A waste. It'll never get worn by a real runner.
I keep hoping these thoughts will go away. They are self-defeating and completely not helpful. I'm hoping a couple of strong runs this weekend will help chase them back for a while at least.
My other hang up today is that I feel all sorts of lumpy. Maybe it was the missed run, maybe it was the tasty frittata I made for dinner last night, but I feel bloated today. It's frustrating to have been watching what I eat and running like crazy and not to see the weight loss I had hoped for.
I realize I'm most likely just in a funk, and need to work my way out of it. Right now, I'm just trying to stay on track and wait for the cloud to lift.