Week 16 and everything up to now

I havn't been updating, and I don't know why. I guess mostly because things are the same. There have been little milestones, but the big one is still coming up. Our next scan will be the one where we find out if we're having a boy or a girl.

I caved around two weeks ago and bought some maternity clothes. I just couldn't fit into my work pants anymore. So far, not a fan of these. I constantly feel like my pants are riding really low, because the actual material stops and the elastic begins way lower than I'm used to the waste line of my pants sitting. I'm also still really self-conscious about my bump. It's silly, but I keep trying to hide it with baggy shirts and empire waste lines, because to me I don't look pregnant, I just look fat.

I'm also having a lot of guilt about what I eat/how much I eat. I'm eating reasonably healthy, but I'm constantly reminded that I'm not eating healthy enough. And I'm not getting enough exercise. I just started getting back into it this week. I went to the gym and did a half hour on the elliptical on monday, and today I did about half of a pre-natal yoga video.

This pregnancy also seems kind of unreal somehow. As if I'm not really pregnant, I'm just getting really chubby. I'm paranoid that the next time I see my OB there won't be a heart beat. Idk why. I'm just really afraid of something going wrong. I missed a lot of my prenatal vitamins while I was dealing with the morning sickness, and I'm worried that messed up my baby.

For Christmas we got a lot of stuff for the baby. We got a MamaRoo, which has to be one of the coolest things ever, a Baby Bjorn carrier, a belly cast kit, a little Chicago Bulls track suit with a matching onesie (my brother lives in Chicago), Two Buffalo Bills Bottles (we're Bills fans, Yeah I know feel my pain), and a Lullabelly, which is this speaker band thing for my belly, so I can play music for the baby. I need to put together a play list to play for the baby, since it can hear now according to most information.  We tested it out the other day, the first song we played for the baby was David Byrne's "Strange Overtones". I swear I felt the baby moving along to the music, but I guess it could have been rhythmic gas.

I had a 3 hour Glucose Tolerence Test a while back, because they were worried that my initial blood tests were high, which turned out to be nothing, everything came back normal. So hopefully the 1 hour test will be nothing compared to that.

I have another appointment with my OB on the 11th, and I'm super anxious to hear that heartbeat again, and know everything's OK.

Trying to get used to this

It still doesn't quite feel real. Other than feeling a little bloated, super tired, super thirsty, and needing to pee every 5 minutes, I feel the same. It's hard to believe that there's a little life growing inside of me.

Now the worry starts though. Every time I pee I check for blood. I made my first appointment with the doctor and I'm paranoid that I'm going to loose the baby before the appointment. I'm worried about how we'll handle our overly energetic dog as this goes on. DH has already said if he doesn't calm down we can't keep him.

We aren't telling anyone until after the 12 week mark. We're both paranoid about a miscarriage. DH doesn't want me to buy any baby stuff yet, and he keeps worrying that I'm getting to attached to it this early, when so much can still go wrong.


We're also not sure what to do about Maternity leave and whether it will make sense for me to work after the baby is born. I guess we still have a long time to figure that out, but it's high on my worry list. Along with our current apartment not really being quite big enough for the two of us, our 85 lb puppy, our cat, and a baby. My BIL (who is also our landlord) has talked about finishing off the attic above our apartment to give us some more room, but i don't know how practical that would be.

This weekend we're going to visit DH's grandmother, my BIL and SIL are coming as are my Mother and Father. I'm wondering if we'll get through the weekend without someone slipping up and saying something.

TTC Fertile Week Two.

I'm feeling a lot more ambivalent this time around. A lot more, if it happens it happens, if not, there's always next month. I'm still actively working on not getting all mopey when I see babies. I'm trying to just relax and let it happen when it happens.

We're at the very start (day two) of the Sex-a-thon around when I ovulate. DH said we should start having theme nights, like night four we could wear sombreros! It's weird that he actually said that around day 12 he gets bored. Somehow that bothered me.

I drank way too much caffeine this past weekend when we were down in NYC visiting friends. I'm really feeling the effects of dropping back off of it again.

I was super sick this morning, headachey and nauseous. So nauseous that I actually threw up bile because there was nothing else for me to throw up in my stomach. It's been a long time since I've done that. I was lucky because today is my late day at work, so I could take it easy all morning and get myself to a place of feeling better before heading into work, but it makes me worry about when I actually do get a BFP. If I have Morning Sickness, how will i deal with work?

I've added a new anxiety into the mix. We rent. For some reason I am really unhappy with us not having a house before we have a baby. I think I want to make a nursery, and it's really not something we can do in our apartment. I want a place of our own, we just can't afford it. Not yet anyways. Not will still paying off parts of the wedding, and needing a new car, and a new bed, and a million other little things. But someday soon. Just most likely not before we have a baby, unless this takes longer than I want it to!

So many issues in my head about this. I want DH to get a new car because I wouldn't trust a baby to his beat up old van. I want a house to make a nursery in. I'm worried about how the dog will deal with a baby. I'm worried about how I will deal with Morning sickness and labor and having  a newborn. I worry about my job and how I will deal with working or not working.

But then again, i just worry.

Day one of Cycle Two

Today is the first day after AF. The first day (they way I count at least) of Cycle two. I'm thinking about taking a slightly different approach this cycle. I plan on BD tonight, and every other day until my fertile period, then we go back to every day, then back to every other day after that. I want to give this the best chance possible.

I'm trying not to get to anxious, or put too much hope in this cycle. I'm trying to remember that this might take a while.

I don't know why I'm so impatient, other than the fact that I'm just an impatient person. It's like, I made up my mind to do this, now I want it, and I want it now. And I worry, I have a little voice in my head that keeps pointing out how many things could be wrong, things that would prevent us from getting a BFP. After years and years of trying NOT to get pregnant, you would think it would be easy once you stop the preventative measures.

And with every blog I read, I start to worry a bit more. There are so many people out there that have been trying for so long. Trying with every thing medical technology can throw at the problem. How long would I try before I gave up? I'm only one failed cycle in and I'm already frustrated and worried.

I really just need to calm down.

AF Day 3

I'm on Day 3 of AF, which is typically my last day. I'm anxious to get this over with and get back to TTC. My calendar says my fertile period starts on the 19th, so next Monday, and that I ovulate on the 24th, the following Saturday. Does that sound right? Regardless, I'm anxious to get back to it, although I'm using this week to get in some dojo time, and push myself a bit harder in the exercise department.

I've been really down the past few days, just kinda in a funk. I'm going to say it's the fault of hormones.

I've been really good sticking to my "one small cup of coffee a day" caffeine limit, even with the fact that if I wanted to, I could drink more right now. I did have a half glass of wine at dinner last night though.

Don't have a lot to say today, just, trying not to let myself get too wrapped up in this.

5 Days Till AF

So, I'm well into my first TWW. I know I haven't been posting, but mostly that's because if I think about it too much I got a little bit crazy. According the my iphone app, which has been close to dead on accurate in the past, I have 5 days left before AF. Waiting is killing me. More than anything I want to test early, especially now that I'm within the supposed range of some of the HPT's. I've been pep talking myself into waiting until Sunday, which would be one day BAF.

I picked up an HPT today while I was at the store. I picked it up today for a couple reasons, one being impatience, but the other, main, one was that it was the only chance I was gonna get to pick one up without DH there. I really didn't want to make him be there when I bought that.

I'm starting to think I'm gonna get a BFN this time though. A couple days ago I had some cramping, and today and yesterday I've had some light spotting. I know you can get cramping and spotting with implantation, but it's so far after O, and so close to AF, I think it's just regular PMS.

But on the other (more hopeful) side of things, there was yesterday. I went running yesterday and my stomach felt strangely full, bloated almost, but it didn't feel like a normal bloated. (yeah yeah TMI I know.) Sometimes I think I feel pregnant, but I know that's just me wanting it bad enough to see every little symptom as a positive sign.

I'm trying to prepare myself for that BFN. Trying not to hope too much for a BFP. I just really want to know either way though. The wait is agonizing.

I've cut my caffeine intake down to  one 8 oz cup of coffee a day. That last step was hard, and I'm still a bit grouchy and tired from it. It's hard maintaining the preparations right now, waiting, thinking i'm going to get a BFN.

Getting to the serious point.

Last night was the start of the serious TTC. My fertile week starts today, so we started last night. I'm anxious about it. I want this to work and yet the actual start of the serious part has me a little scared. What if I'm doing this for the wrong reasons?

I do martial arts, The Dojo is my happy place. Last night I had a moment of panicked realization that I'm going to have to tell them that I can't do a lot of things, and make sure I don't push myself as hard as I usually do. I came to this realization during a drill which involved protecting only our heads, focusing on keeping our guards up and allowing body shots in. I took a couple of strong hits to the midsection, and realized that after that class, I can't let that happen anymore. I also push myself way too hard, getting to that queasy point. That's something I can't do anymore. It just somehow feels awkward saying "I can't do this because I'm TTC." As if this is somehow less legitimate a reason than actually being pregnant.

I know there's no way for me to be pregnant yet, but yesterday I was intensely moody for no apparent reason. I think it may be the lack of caffeine. As carefully as I've stepped myself down, I still feel it. I'm down within the safe tolerance levels of no more than two 8 oz cups of coffee a day. I want to step down a little further, to be only having one 8 oz cup each day, but it's so hard. Each time I step down I feel sluggish and irritable for a few days. Yesterday was particularly rough, if that was indeed the cause.

I guess all I can do is ride out the next few weeks and try not to drive DH crazy!

TTC Fertile Week One!

My first fertile cycle since we started TTC starts on Wednesday. Out of impatience and a desire to more than cover our bases, we're starting tonight. In preparation, my DH has been chowing down on Watermelon (which he hates), and I cut my morning coffee down from a large to a medium.

Both of these preparations are huge sacrifices for us. DH hates watermelon, he says it takes like watery cardboard. But he puts on a brave face and eats a large chunk of watermelon heart twice a day, just in case.

I love my morning coffee, cutting back to a "safe" level of caffeine has been an exercise is self control. My FIL roasts his own coffee. Super tasty delicious coffee. Every time we go over there, he offers to brew up some for us, and I get hit with the double whammy of desire and guilt. I really *do* want to accept a cup of that deliciousness, and I feel guilty for turning down something that was so lovingly made. Since we're not telling anyone we're trying, I can't say "I would love some, but it might interfere with us giving you grand-babies." So I just tried saying I'm trying to cut down my caffeine intake.

A new concern that's pop-ed up is the Cat Litter. We have a cat and a dog who we can't have in the same room unsupervised. Our cat is slightly neurotic and so we keep him, and his food, water and litter, in our bedroom. Now I'm reading that pregnant women should not have any contact with cat litter, because of the risk of  Toxoplasmosis. We're trying to figure out a solution, somehow moving the cat litter and subsequently the cat to another room, however the cat will be miserable if he's separated from us all the time. It's a stupid problem, but it's one that's completely stressing me out for some reason. I'm not quite sure how we're going to solve the problem, seeing as our apartment is already kind of small for us, and we have everything wedged in just so. I'm thinking my awesome desk and my treadmill might have to go. Sadness.

Exciting Weekend, and My Impatience

This weekend my SIL, who has been trying to get pregnant for almost a year, found out she's pregnant. She had told me she was late on Thursday, and we had talked about it again on Friday during the day. She had asked me not to say anything to anyone, because she didn't want to say anything until she was sure. I promised, but made her promise to tell me as soon as she tested, either way. When her and her husband picked us up to go out on Friday, she handed me the stick. When she handed it to me and I read the positive I got so excited I jumped out of my seat in the car and hugged her, which of course scared the crap out of her husband who was driving. She's being cautious and not telling anyone until after the first trimester, to "make sure it sticks" as she put it. I think she's really worried about it. It's killing me not being able to celebrate openly, but until she makes the announcement I'm being good and just secretly plotting, er, planning her baby shower.

This weekend I also went and took care of some dental work I've been putting off. I really hate getting dental work done. The whole time they were drilling away I kept thinking, this is for the future baby. Just keep your mind on that. I've also started flossing regularly, because my dentist told me I was starting to develop localized gingivitis between my teeth.

I'm having trouble being patient with the process. I know that I don't ovulate till the 29th, which means that my fertile period doesn't start until the 24th, but I'm impatient. I want to try now. I want to see that positive now. I know, intellectually, that this may take a while. It may take a long time, but emotionally I'm impatient. I don't know if I'll feel better or worse once we hit the fertile period. I don't know how badly I'll take the Two Week Wait. I suspect it will be very very hard on me. I'm worried, because of how long it took my SIL to conceive, I'm worried because my DH is worried, I'm worried because I know myself and I know how impatient I am. And I'm trying not to worry because it's pointless and counterproductive.

I'm still having trouble dropping below my current caffeine intake. I'm good some days, and others not-so-much. This morning is a not-so-much morning. I've got my large 18 oz cup of coffee sitting on my desk. Tomorrow I'm going to try going with the medium to go cup. I'm hoping to step myself down to getting the small cup every morning, to leave myself wiggle room for the rest of the day. I really do think keeping myself to two 8 oz cups of coffee a day will be one of my biggest struggles with this whole process.

Trying to focus on enjoying the journey, instead of just yearning for the destination.